Robin Brown

Is there anything remotely fascinating about other peoples’ status updates? Probably not, but the ability to track your own life story using Facebook’s pithy snippets, like a personal dot-to-dot connecting different moments in time, is an interesting one to my mind.

Looking back over my own, I remembered some things that happened this year that I’d completely forgotten about, and a few that amused me due to the responses they elicited or events they concerned.

It’s curious that we all leave a personal data trail across the web these days. Via Twitter, Facebook, Foursquare, Youtube, Flickr and blogs, you’d probably be able to determine where I was and what I was doing on any given day this year.

There’s a train of thought that maintains that this is a horrifying release of personal data, but I’m quite amused by the idea that Russian internet mobsters are trying to make sense of the numerous pop-culture references, puzzling over pictures of my cat or exchanging bemused hypotheses over my infatuation with something named the ‘Baltic Fleet’.

Anyway, here’s my life in status updates. It’s not Shakespeare, but it all means something to me, and perhaps quite a few friends. In the absence of a diary, it should keep me amused or remind me of cool things I did in a few decades’ time too – assuming the ants haven’t taken over.

I don’t want to go (David Tennant relinquished the keys to the TARDSI)

cat’s turning his nose up at roast beef, the little bollocks!

Milk was a bad choice (Ron Burgundy reference)

It’s not too late to be reinstated (Shack reference)

Frost on beard (January was horribly cold, leading to chaos in Liverpool)

“Much more fortunate than the millions who’ll wander sightless through the smouldering aftermath. We’ll be spared the horror of survival.” They don’t make kids’ films like they used to (from War Games, one of my favourite films)

WHY HAS MY HEAD GONE NUMB? (Withnail and I reference)

Actual headline: Man with genitals in pipe cut free (He ‘gave no explanation’

Ian McNiece and Robbie Coltrane is the same scene? Why it’s fat English character actor heaven! (In From Hell)

Has never seen anyone as upset over a game of Connect Four as Iwan (I beat my housemate at online Connect Four, having listened to him extolling his abilities. I promptly retired from the game forever)

Where’s the white going? WHERE’S THE WHITE GOING? (ref. John Virgo)

Alien Cat People versus America in Space was excellent (Avatar)

Distraught at losing darts, Iwan has logged on to get a Connect 4 win under his belt to end the day on a victorious note – and been hammered three times (January was a bad month for Iwan’s games ability. I crashed out of the darts at the quarter final stage but returned to voice Sir Roger Moore in a pre-match vid))

Back from monster trip. Huskies, igloos, barn owls, ice driving lunacy, five airports in three days, Hitler’s holiday home and a blazing row with a Sun journalist (went on the adventure holiday of a lifetime, courtesy of Volvo)

Me: Yeah, QED – Quite Easily Done. Bowser: [Beat] Is that what QED means? (This conversation actually happened)

Midnight rockers, city slickers, gunmen and maniacs (ref. Massive Attack)

God, it would be awful if Ricky somehow got hold of this videotape… (ref. Eastenders – Bianca’s loose tongue causes problems)

Though your world is changing I will be the same (ref. Bryan Ferry)

Should I buy Beyond the Valley of the Dolls on DVD? (I didn’t)

is watching reruns of Babylon 5 (ref. Spaced – but also true)

goes ding when there’s stuff (ref. Doctor Who)

Javagal Srinath (Indian cricketer, possibly the best name ever)

Clone Stamp and Smudge Tool (twatting about on Photoshop, probably on Creature Features

Is the guy on Masterchef who’s a pediatrician being referred to as a ‘children’s doctor’ in case people think he’s a paedophile? I like Masterchef, especially the facial expressions

Yo Yo Ma! (ref. Curb Your Enthusiasm)

I had part of a slinky… but I straightened it (ref. Ghostbusters)

I am the dog that ate your birthday cake (Mark Linkous killed himself)

What a day. The Citroen DS3 is good. The C3… not so good. Huddersfield, mainly depressing (some driving stuff)

DJ Falcon (returned to Chibuku for the first time in five years, felt old)

One of your friends became a fan of Seeing The Shape Of A Girls Ass Through Her Leggings (baffling Facebook stuff)

Society’s a weak excuse for a man (ref. Slick Rick)

Parting Shots: Michael Winner, Chris Rea, Peter Davison, Diana Rigg, Felicity Kendall, John Cleese, Ben Kinglsey, Trevor Baxter, Olly Reid, Gareth Hunt, Nicola Bryant in a bra. Quite the worst film ever (terrible, terrible, terrible)

Along you came, and right away I’m stung. Sweet words I long to whisper, but you paralyzed my tongue (ref. Simpsons)

You’ve Been Framed=Idiot Painful Comeuppance Half Hour (I like You’ve Been Framed, especially the ones where people deserve it)

I’m poppa large, big shot on the east coast (ref. Ultramagnetic MCs)

I couldn’t fuck a gorilla… (ref. The Man With Two Brains)

Ooh, try a little harder, You’re moving in circles, won’t you dilate, Baby try (ref. Kajagoogoo)

Funniest Ever You’ve Been Framed followed by Best Ever TV Burp. Is it my birthday already? (Two shows I love)

Beloved ****? (ref. Curb)

Bought an organ, a bike and a Terrahawks DVD (birthday presents to self – see my huge organ here)

Hopelessly Panglossian (ref. The Duckworth Lewis method)

Became a fan of STOP FALLING FOR STUPID ‘BECOME A FAN TO WATCH VIDEO’ SCAMS (Facebook idiocy)

Had a mouse for dinner, and a mole for dessert (ref. Paul Barman)

Ohh, Eggheads, what hilariously irrelevant banter will you come up with next? (I dislike Eggheads)

Mazda MX-5 on a sunny day in the countryside (driving the little roadster on a sunny day was great fun; excellent car)

Watching people do ‘Meow Meow’ (it didn’t look good)

I’ll tell you what’s worse than going back to work after two weeks off, you sodding part-timers, not having two sodding weeks off in the first sodding place! (whinging public service staff)

Morny Stannit (ref. Morecambe and Wise)

When this baby hits 88mph, you’re going to see some serious shit (ref. Back to the Future)

Saw a heron and two swans making a nest in Sefton Park. And a moorhen moodying a swan. And a rat. (the varies fauna of Sefton Park)

I live among the creatures of the night (ref. Laura Brannigan)

Tennant and Izzard telling us Britain is good? This is also BROKEN BRITAIN PEOPLE (the 2009 election broadcasts)

Coming soon to a newspaper near you: LFC fans give warm welcome to Russian oil oligarch (the 2009 LFC soap opera

Venison fillet, red wine jus, crushed new potatoes with with garlic flowers. Excellent (I picked the garlic flowers from a wood in Masham)

Adrian Chiles ordered to shave bear (for some reason the title cut off here in WordPress stats for the Adrian Chiles ordered to shave beard story)

Most troubling opening line in pop? ‘I was 37, you were 17′ (ref. Heaven 17)

Leveraged the shit out of some synergies today (spent a lot of time at work devising strategies for several content channels)

‘A woman from Devon has begun speaking with a Chinese accent after suffering severe migraines’

Gordon Brown! (ref. Adam and Joe)

Managed a run-out in a Rover 623 SLi today – great fun. It actually crossed my mind to buy it. (I didn’t, but I thought about it – photos)

KLAAAAK!

I can see you got a solar report (ref. The Charlatans)

There’s a lot of produce here (Gordon Brown’s comment on a supermarket during the election campaign)

I warn you not to be ordinary, I warn you not to be young, I warn you not to fall ill, and I warn you not to grow old. (ref. Neil Kinnock)

Kelvin MacKenzie has promised to leave the UK on a one-way trip to Belize if there is a hung parliament. Do I need to say anything else? (I loathe Kelvin MacKenzie)

Overheard: Greggs minion to builder: ‘How many sugars love?’ Builder: ‘Five please’ BROKEN BRITAIN (I loathe the Broken Britain meme)

Randomly bumped onto half a dozen people I know whilst wandering around town. I love Liverpool for that (on one my infrequent Sunday gallery tours)

Two games of cricket, two knackered fingers. By July I’ll be typing with my nose at this rate (I developed two new cricket injuries this summer)

Doctor Baker phoned me in the morning (ref. The Beta Band)

On balance I prefer the Jaguar XJ to the Kia Rio (two cars I drove in quick succession, I preferred the Jag)

Someone on this bus is absolutely blasting the acid tweaking funk mix of higher state of consciousness. And a fat dooby. (the two so often seem to go together)

Bored of zombies now. Can we have a zombie amnesty? (2010 was the year of zombie overload)

I have a bacon sandwich in my pocket (must have been a good day)

Overheard outside: (Girl answers phone – shrilly) WHA-? What’s the matter? Proper shit meself there, I thought something was the matter…”

Don’t get this thing of asking how much people ‘want’ something in reality shows: ‘How much do you want this?” “I really, really want it” (ref. Masterchef, X-Factor etc)

Jests at scars (ref. Shakespeare)

Blow in her face and she’ll follow you anywhere (old-skool cigarette ad)

Mein Fuhrer… I can walk! (ref. Dr Strangelove)

Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so (ref. Douglas Adams)

Could have sworn I just heard a bird tweeting Higher State of Consciousness (somewhere on Saddleworth Moor)

‘He got his finger out, but didn’t put it up’ (ref. cricket)

My actual instinctive reaction to news of Gary Coleman’s death: ‘Aw, poor little fella’. Even in death he’s patronised (poor little fella)

A routine malaise (ref. Grizzly Bear)

To the break of dawn (ref. Bad Lieutenant)

Hmm, was Sex and the City ever any good? I mainly remember a lot of muff jokes and bitching about men (The new SatC film got bad reviews)

Do you respect wood? (ref. Curb)

Sevenstreets (SevenStreets finally launched)

Just saw a chicken escorted off the premises at old Trafford. At least he had his dignity (at the Old Trafford Test against Bangladesh)

I hate Ian Wright (for things like this advert)

Wrath of the Math (ref. Jeru the Damaja)

If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night? (ref. Britney Spears)

ladies and gents watches, a toastie machine a microwave oven, a pine dresser and upright turbo cleaner have just been gambled on bullseye. They didn’t look overly delighted by the holiday to Thailand though (shit telly)

Vworp Vworp (ref. Doctor Who, specifically Target)

I have to return some video tapes (ref. American Psycho)

Michael Douglas’s mirrored sunglasses (ref Neon Neon)

Is playing the part of a real trouble-maker (ref. The Passions)

Dismayed by my pudgy face on Granada Reports. Disgracefully, Iwan’s shit wicket was broadcast across the north-west (at the brilliant Sefton Park Solstice Cup match)

Just remembered extraordinary sight from yesterday AM: Huge vortex of thousands of seagulls swarming around Africa Oye site (feasting on curried goat, no doubt)

Liverpool abolished as part of Budget (austerity budget announced)

Pretty disappointed by Ragged Trousered Philanthropists (not one of the Everymans best, in what’s been another great year for the Liverpool theatre – review here)

I’m a cop, you idiot! (ref. Schwarzenegger)

Tesla girls, Tesla girls, I’m in love with Tesla girls (ref. OMD)

Radiates like it’s ’88 (ref. Paul Barman)

Today I will mostly be creating robust strategies, identifying key influencers, working with cross-organisational stakeholders, creating brand outposts, plan distribution strategies and increasing brand equity. And to think I dreamed of being an investigative journalist. (spent a lot of time researching social media in business)

‘Question of the Week: Which web/marketing analytics tools can’t you live without when measuring your inbound marketing programs?’ In what sort of crazy world is this ‘question of the week’? (Someone replied: ‘In your world, Brown’)

Explosive water pipe failure in living room. Cue ten minutes of frantic slapstick (Paul, the most useless plumber in the world showed up on time for once)

Fig rolls (I like fig rolls)

When I see your eyes arrive, they explode like two bugs on glass (ref. Mercury Rev)

Jam Up and Jelly Tight (ref. Tommy Rowe)

Enjoying the high bombardment of positive ions in the atmosphere (ref. The FIve Doctors)

The quest is the quest (ref. Doctor Who)

I see Channel 4 is doing another boobs and cocks programme and passing it off as educayshun (Channel 5 will always win in this battle)

Recommended Pages: Sleeping Many who like Drinking like this <

Raincloud of Doom is my new favourite insult (insult directed at shouty twat Shabby, from the last ever Big Brother)

Staff cuts have socked up the overage (ref. REM)

Marmite – Many who like Tony Hart like this

Just had flashback to the two ultimate fighter nicknames I once saw on a poster in the Penny Farthing: 'Beasteron' and 'I Will Destroy You' (wish I'd taken a photo)

I guarantee this place has no Foursquare Mayor (in the Stoke Mandeville Stadium Olympic Lodge hotel during a work trip, having spent the previous night at the brilliant Aviator Hotel, courtesy of Saab)

Ah, Fucking You Tonight – Biggie Smalls’ irresistible exploration of the quid pro quo of courtship in the modern age (ref. Biggie Smalls)

What would Avon off Blake’s 7 do? (ref. Blake’s 7)

l33t supa h4x0r (ref. leetspeak)

Northumbria Uber Alles (ref. Dead Kennedys)

there’s only two ways you can injure your neck (ref. Curb – a car accident and oral sex)

Peking Homonculus (ref. Talons of Weng Chiang)

Imagine a world where shoes are not your friends (can’t remember where this comes from)

KBO (ref. Churchill)

‘Every girl’s given someone a blower’ – Big Brother enhances all of us (lovely, uncomplicated Josie)

Let’s get this straight iPhone, if I want to say ‘twat’ in a text I’m damn well going to say it. Not ‘teat’, not ‘test’. Twat (amusing site here)

Dear neighbour, your folky summer jamming session is very nice, but shut the fuck up you fucking hippies (they moved shortly after)

I didn’t make it sugar, playing by the rules (ref. Marvin Gaye)

Been eatin’ pineapple (ref. Scarface censorship)

I’m with Morse. I don’t drink because I enjoy it, I drink so I can think. Though I also enjoy drinking (I like Inspector Morse and drinking)

Everybody spread the word. I live in my sister’s basement! (ref. The Wedding Singer)

dab of oppo (ref. Sniff Petrol)

‘Cake is sexy bread’ reveals the great bake off. Now got to religious persecution of cake. Utterly futile programme (a silly show that also saw Mel Or Sue refer to eggs, flour, butter and sugar as ‘the Fab Four’)

That time of the week when I allow myself a solitary draught of laudanum

I wish they all could be double-barreled… (ref. Top Secret!)

You would make a fantastic booby (ref. John McCririck)

Give me convenience or give me death (ref. Dead Kennedys)

If there’s one thing on my mind it’s gettin downstate (ref. Aim)

I could make you cry in three minutes (drunken threat to best friend)

No diggity (ref. Blackstreet)

I hate Sebastian Coe! (ref. Brass Eye, though I do hate Sebastian Coe)

Vanessa Felch (nickname given to a barmaid I used to know)

Baking a pie. I’ve been away too long (it was steak and kidney)

Cafe au lait… pour vous (ref. Shaun of the Dead)

Nice and sleazy does it (ref. The Stranglers)

Tweedle Twat (ref, Science, Big Brother)

Right, off on holiday to the Dales. There will be sausages (there were, in Masham)

Carwash cunt (ref. Curb)

Picking out a thermos for you… (ref. The Jerk)

Worst Goal of the Month music ever. Bring back Life of Riley (ref. Match of the Day)

Stop saying things are ‘cheeky’ (eg cheeky Volvic)

What’s that brain? You’re feeling creative? Well fuck you, you’ve had all day, I’m off to bed (bloggers curse)

Watching a game of park footy in Preston. Precocious dribbler rounds three men on his way towards goal. A shout rings out: “bring him down Legolas!” (livened up a day of driving Vauxhalls)

Here hare here (I cooked a hare casserole, it was tough but tasty)

17,000 more sleeps til I’m dead (according to some online generator thing)

Mmm nice marmot (ref. The Big Lebowski)

Just heard a classic ‘Eee! Are you messin’?’ in the office (classic Liverpool)

Nothing makes me more pleased to be European than seeing some of the frat-boy dicks in the crowd at the Ryder Cup #getintheholeball (the goodies won)

**** your ****ing ***** off you ****! (ref. The Inbetweeners)

Young, gifted and Brown

Dear Mr Hicks, please will you fuck off and leave LFC alone so I don’t have to listen to whining Reds bleating on about it all the time. Cheers, Robin (tiresome LFC soap opera rumbles on)

Some guy on twitter is trying to get me to listen to his mixtape, which includes a song called Damn It Feels Good To Be A Scouser (I didn’t listen)

‘scenes of animal mating’? (since when did viewers have to be warned about animal mating?)

What’s wrong with being childish? I like being childish (ref. Doctor Who)

Right. Your help please. Is it ‘briefcase wanker’ or ‘briefcase mong’? (both, apparently)

People searching for ‘blackman and robin’ on the culture blog always makes me nervous (see why for yourself – Blackman and Robin

Last night I dreamed had a scouse accent (a nightmare)

Maybe you’re my puppet (ref. Solaris)

This is definitely Laphroaig weather (I like Laphraoig)

Suddenly forgotten a keyboard shortcut I use 100 times a day. Another ‘is this the inevitable onset of senility?’ pang of fear (senility and arthritis, great mix)

Good God, George Osborne has a grotesque little face (I hate George Osborne

It’s not the way you look, it’s not the way that you smile (ref. A Flock of Seagulls)

Noticed the ‘Safe Zone’ in Brunswick station is now called ‘Safer Zone’. Perhaps an acknowledgement that painting a yellow line around something does not make it inherently safe (probably now called ‘slightly safer zone)

Because I once commented on an article called ‘video games are no better than pornography’, my Guardian profile now lists ‘pornography’ as one of my key interests (now changed to ‘commented on’)

House****ing (the C word – I didn’t enjoy looking for a house)

Would you call your first-born Citroen Berlingo Multispace for a million quid? (I had recently driven said car)

Wage rates in Peru, James Burke, Finnegans Wake, all the bloody irish, the dog in Blue Peter, Brian Clough, and especially James Henry and Clive and Australian barmen, ecologists, semiologists…the Guardian Women’s Page, the Bible, Reader’s Digest Special Price Draw… (all the things Philip Marlow finds boring)

The cat tolerated my over-enthusiastic, drunken greeting, but I could tell he was secretly irritated (he’s usually irritated)

That old ‘is it a powercut or have the fuses gone?’ chestnut. Spose I’d best dig out a torch. Hope they’re not my last words. (power cut, though this led to the fuses blowing and detouring to the missus’ house for a shower for two weeks)

Halloween, perhaps the best horror film ever made, coming up on BBC4 (I like horror films)

You don’t know how to play the game/You cheat/You lie/You make me wanna cry (ref. Godley and Creme)

So very close to referring to a sliding car as an ‘ungainly fuck on a frozen pond’ in an article (Volvo XC60 I think)

Aksidenz Grotesk (I like fonts)

You’re just going to have to turn this opportunity YES (ref. Sexy Beast)

wore a suit for nothing. pfft. (for a meeting with GM that didn’t happen)

Kazakhstan is the greatest exporter of potassium, all other countries have inferior potassium (ref. Borat)

Savaged by a turbot (ref. Blackadder)

A translation error at a UK prison labelled an exercise yard as an “execution yard” in the draft of an information booklet for Russian inmates (genuine BBC story)

Ten per cent of robins will die at the hands of another robin (chilling birdlife fact)

A merciless thunderbolt (no idea)

Finding it hard to escape the feeling that the world would be a slightly better place if Dappy from NDubz was dead (I hate Dappy from NDubz)

Shane Warne: My mates are great – thanks for that Shane, you pudgy Aussie twat (I dislike Sky’s cricket commentary)

Nice beaver (ref. Naked Gun, Leslie Neilsen died)

Mention the Lord of the Rings just once more and I’ll more than likely kill you (ref. Half Man Half Biscuit)

what a great start to the day. Aussies 0-2 (Aussies totally outclassed in Ashes 2010

Overheard, coming from direction of workmen: ‘there’s Brownie, the SHITBAG!’ (not sure if this was directed at me, I didn’t look back)

The fact that you don’t understand, casts a shadow over this land (ref. Billy Bragg/Dubstar)

…a twist in the fabric of space in which time becomes a loop (ref. The Orb/Star Trek)

However, the culture secretary’s patience was tested further just after 9.30am when Marr hosted a discussion about the Freudian slip as a follow-up to his colleague’s mistake. “We’re not going to repeat in quite the terms it happened,” Marr promised, before repeating exactly the same mistake Naughtie had made. Marr quickly corrected himself and apologised, saying: “It’s very hard to talk about it without saying it.” (hilarious ‘cunt’ antics at the BBC)

Sacked chimney sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise (Day Today reference)

• If you want to know how to harvest your status updates from Facebook, I recommend an app called Status Statistics as it lets you do whatever you want with them, rather than the crap My Year in Status, which doesn’t even let you have access to your own status updates

I’ve spent quite a few months pondering the value of social media for businesses recently, in work and outside of it.

In work I’ve been looking into whether social media, when paired with strong content and multimedia, can work for automotive businesses. Yes and no is the predictable answer I came to.

And, outside, I’ve been ruminating on how social media can help launch SevenStreets, a website about Liverpool I co-edit and is a couple of months old.

Facebook and Twitter are incredibly useful in the latter case, and I expect I can find similar uses for LinkenIn and Foursquare. Flickr and Youtube haven’t really developed beyond simple platforms, so I don’t really take them into account.

I think Twitter is useful for any company of any size. It’s the new email, the new phone number, the new business card. It can be wielded professionally in a way that Facebook cannot, and LinkedIn does not, because not enough people use it.

So I like Twitter for business. And at first I dismissed Facebook for business. But I was wrong.

Facebook will be the ultimate website for business in a few years, in my humble one. I have no stats to call on to back this up. No charts, no graphs, no expert opinions. It’s just obvious to me, as someone who uses the internet every day, that this is the case.

Why? Because Facebook is taking over the internet, conquering everything in its path. I thought of a few naff metaphors for Facebook’s assault on the web. Something about evolution, something about conquest, or maybe some kind of medical simile. I even thought about calling this piece ‘Why Facebook are the Daleks of the internet,’ but I was nearly sick in my mouth.

Pick your own. Either way, Facebook is muscling in on every other piece of web real estate you can think of. Flickr? Photos. Digg or Reddit? That Facebook Share button, rolling out across the web. Blogging? Notes. Twitter? Status updates. Youtube? Facebook video. Email? Facebook Messages.

Facebook apps can cover just about anything, including games – one of the biggest uses of the internet globally. Apps also make Facebook a big favourite of PR companies and virals.

Facebook is revamping Pages for business. So that’s business listings and personal websites ticked as well.

Facebook users can follow all their favourite topics and organisations within the site. Why use an RSS reader when you can follow every conceivable topic on the web through Facebook pages, including pages for your favourite media?

I’ve noticed a few pages ranking organically that seem to be for Wiki-like entries on generic topics. The Facebook Encyclopedia. No need for Wikipedia.

Why join a specialist forum, or several fora with all their fiddly login details when you can join a community on Facebook?

Why visit any external sites when you can access it all through Facebook?

Facebook is advancing on all fronts. It’s a frightening, stupefying land grab of the internet in just about every conceivable way, and it’s all prefacing the very reason I was wrong to write off Facebook for business.

Why use different accounts and websites to upload pictures, check-in your location, update your status, read an article, interact online with friends, join a discussion, watch a video, research a topic or play a game when you can do it on Facebook?

Come to think of it, why buy something from a dozen different merchants when you can do it all on Facebook? Just stick your bank details in once and Facebook will do the rest. One-click buying. There’s Amazon and Ebay conquered too.

All that data Facebook is harvesting about its users will make it one of the biggest exporters of CRM data going. Maybe that data could be used to make a new kind of tailored, intelligent search. Sayonara, Google.

I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of using something like Facebook to make significant purchases, and the idea of buying big-ticket items like cars certainly doesn’t appeal. Which is why I initially dismissed Facebook for business.

But the next generation of computer users, the ones coming of age right now, won’t bat an eyelid about buying cars – or anything else – through Facebook, or similar social networks.

Right now, I don’t see a huge ROI – if any, in cash terms – for small-to-medium businesses on Facebook. For larger brands that people can identify, certainly. But is there any point in whacking your used-car inventory on Facebook at present?

Maybe if you do it properly. But it’s worth doing anyway, because pretty soon everyone will be on Facebook. Not to be on Facebook in a decade will be like not having a mobile phone or using the internet now.

Any buying a car, ordering your shopping, booking flight and setting up direct debits will be as prosaic as updating your status. That’s not just conquering the rest of the internet, its making the rest of the internet like Facebook.

Facebook is not a conqueror, it’s an assimilator; cannibalising the best bits of the web and adapting them for use within itself.

Absorbing other bits of the web in this way means Facebook ends up as the default choice for casual WILFers, who may otherwise visit half a dozen sites on their daily trawl around the internet.

And that list of services will only grow as Facebook expands, to the point where pretty much anything that can be done online can be done through Facebook.

Maybe Daleks are a bad comparison. I should have said The Borg.

NB. If you’re English, you may prefer Cybermen.

I do like Twitter. I use it every day to learn, to broadcast, to share and to enjoy.

But Christ it can be annoying. To an extent this is the same with any new platform – familiarity breeds contempt after all – and in these times of decreasing attention spans and tolerances it’s easy to get hacked off by simple, and essentially inoffensive, things.

I think there are a number of things that apply across the board on Twitter that are annoying or inappropriate in most cases – particularly if you blur your social life with your professional life on Twitter, which I’d guess a majority do.

Twirritation

I’ve personally met about ten per cent of the people who follow me, and unless you’ve met someone in person I think you need to reflect on whether your Twitter followers want to hear about your personal life, sex life or toilet habits.

The banalities of your exercise regimen, diet, daily routines, coffee preferences and fluctuating mood are hardly of interest to anyone either – do it on Facebook if you must do it, at least those people know you personally.

Different, but just as inappropriate, is ignoring netiquette – that series of fluid and informal rules that just make the web a nicer place to be. They apply to Twitter too, just in subtly different ways.

None of this is a catch-all; not all of it will apply to everyone; and I probably indulge in a few myself. Nor am I setting myself up as some kind of expert, or arbiter of how to behave on Twitter.

I’m just someone who uses Twitter a lot and gets irritated easily, so I reckon the following list of what not to do on Twitter will serve most people well.

It won’t help you get 10,000 followers, but it might stop you looking like a bit of a dick.

---

20 things you shouldn’t do on Twitter

• Don’t DM unless you have a good reason – or you know someone personally

• Don’t set up an automated DM to new followers – sheer, pointless irritation

• Don’t announce you’re about to unfollow a load of people before you do – it’s pretty offensive to those about to be unfollowed

• Don’t unfollow genuine friends, no matter how annoying – it’ll bite you on the arse

• Don’t furiously live blog events you’re watching – keep it to a reasonable frequency

• Don’t set up a feed to churn out more than one link at a time – modify your application to spread them out

• Don’t automate more than a handful of tweets a day – you’ll get unfollowed

• Don’t tweet about your sex life or personal life – or apply a little common sense

• Don’t tweet random banal headlines – other people know how to use the internet for themselves

• Don’t ignore your followers – you’ve got to follow at least some people

• Don’t simply tweet your inventory if you’re selling something – it’s pointless

• Don’t slag off people you know – this isn’t Bebo

• Don’t slag of organisations you may work for or with – that tweet could come back to haunt you

• Don’t post orphaned links – no-one knows where they may go. That’s annoying

• Don’t post NSFW links, unless properly highlighted – even then, don’t (probably)

• Don’t use caps – it’s ANNOYING

• Don’t ask for followers or RTs – by and large

• Don’t cross-post between social networks – it’s a wild goose chase for everyone involved

• Don’t overdo services like Ping.fm that send out the same message to a number of platforms. What’s right for Facebook may not be right for Twitter

• Don’t be a dick – what’s true for the real world is true for the virtual

Feel free to let me know if I missed any obvious ones out below

---

You should follow me on Twitter at RobinBrown78

Facebook has pretty limited options for marketing and all of that, but it can provide a fairly interesting insight into the life of a heavy user.

While I don’t spend a lot of time browsing stuff on Facebook, I usually have a window or application open so I can update it as and when.

I usually use it for sharing links but often update my status with something I think is interesting, amusing or bizarre.

Whether other people find this interesting or not is debatable, but as a way of keeping in touch it’s quite novel.

What’s more, it arguably provides an interesting view into how a website curator might interact with readers. Could there be a time, in the future, when individuals are appointed solely as the human social media face of large organisations?

It’s a possibility that interests me, particularly in light of the rise of brandividuals who come to represent a business in an online environment. Could curators be appointed just to sit on Hootsuite all day updating Facebook and Twitter with engaging stuff? Perhaps, perhaps not.

If nothing else it’s a rather more engaging way of explaining how 2009 appeared to me, particularly if you see how many references to popular culture you can spot.

I’ve stripped out all of the links and more prosaic ones, with plenty of music, radio, social media, TV and film references left in. Virtually all are quotes, posed for my friends to decipher.

It may not mean much to you, but in all likelihood it’s a lot more interesting than the media- and journalism-based round-up of 2009 I’d originally planned.

What’s on your mind?

‘s hand is still grill-singed

wonders if anyone has recently swigged a can of coke and burped the word ‘bollocks’

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

is appalled by the duplicity of Little Chef’s senior management.

screams like a panther in the middle of the night

Stephen!

lacks the minerals and vitamins

has been sorely disappointed by Death Proof and Doomsday, two very bad films

is photoshopping pictures of last of the summer wine

just rasterised a JPEG

is very sorry but, he has to tell you that, you’ve got ringworm. Very infectious disease

what if Mike Catt was a cat?

I got through to the darts quarters but was bowled by a small child at nets. Both feel like defeats.

newest spam email: Hurt her with your rod

latest spam email: Your sister is in danger

Maureen’s got five sisters…they’ve all got ass…one of them has eyes as big as Jolly Ranchers

Latest spam: Give her flash some porking

Let’s go to dolphinarium together

what’s happened to all my clothes, what’s happened to all my furniture?

three of my friends became fans of ‘chesty girls’?

Freaky eaters? Lock em in a shed with some lettuces for a weak and see how choosy they are. bloody idiots.

Edward de Bono is one of my tailored ads? What does that say about me?

ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI!?

2 friends became fans of french knickers?

that hallowe’en goatie has come back to haunt me

is Rock Strongo

‘Sarcasm!3 friends are fans.Become a Fan’ Become a fan? I wrote the fucking book mate.

I just failed the quiz ‘how well do you know Robin Brown?’

I sin every single day

got into a youtube barney cos I said Shearer would knock roy keane out, which he obviously would. In fact, I think Desmond Tutu would knock keane out.

just watched a young lady having her piles burned off on embarrassing bodies. still in middle of hour-long retching session

kevin pietersen woke up this morning with ‘general stiffness’. don’t we all?

always thought byers was a little weasel

has dreamt of rubies

i wonder whatever happened to Tracey Jacks

4 games of cricket in 6 days. can my creaking knees, heels, shins and back handle it?

just wants a bit part in your life

the cruffatin liveth

Duck butter

let me go the the depths of your infinity!

dicks also fuck assholes, chuck!

can’t, won’t and don’t stop

six wickets – i’m back!

i am the fly

random vacuous update concerning food, TV or weather

is nobody’s fool. Plenty of people’s bastard, but nobody’s fool

Angry jealous spies/got telephones for eyes

Face or tits?

warm leatherette

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass….

looks like i picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue

has gone from being Den Davis to Den Dildo!

long live the new flesh

Ameobi hat-trick. Bet not even Shola saw that coming

won’t you come on down to my rescue?

‘you bastard, you absolute bastard!’ ‘you slut, you absolute slut!’

i’ve decided to take my work back underground, to stop it falling into the wrong hands

There is radar in my heart I should have trusted from the start

i would like it if aung sang suu kyi were freed, but I’m not sure ticking a miniature ‘thumbs up’ sign on Facebook will help much

Dirty goat!

If there’s one thing on my mind, it’s gettin downstate

Fucken Prawn!

would like to protest in the strongest terms about everything

just when i though i could not be stopped, when my chance came to be king…

FACT, The Thing, tonight 11.30pm. Anyone?

beefy beefy mushroom

i love my drug bunny

Kruder & Dorfmeister radio on Spotify…like 2001 all over again

Is re-reading William Shatner’s TekWar

won’t you come to comfort me?

Surprised Eastenders didn’t save the ‘Stacey goes mad and gets carted off to the looney bin’ episode for Xmas Day

buswankers

Attempting Keith Floyd recipe – trout in newspaper. Expect to set fire to oven, poison self with new sort of newsprint or simply fuck the whole thing up completely

i got 96 tears and 96 eyes

is in love with a German film star

Needs a temporary secretary

Dont admire thieves… hey they don’t admire you, their time’s limited, hardrocks too

Stereo MCs DJ Kicks, brill

There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, and the sea is asleep, and the rivers dream…

Let’s get killed

Roast pork with suet pudding

everybody spread the word, i live in my sister’s basement

‘There is a specter haunting Europe…’

Boing boom tschak peng!

I have never met anyone who thinks the future is Knowsley

Facebook wants me to become a fan of MILFs

Ensanguining the skies, how heavily it dies

Relaxation is death

I wouldn’t let Grace Slick blow me

Pertwee-like hubris

Robin Frown

Death has come to your little town, Sheriff

Pass me the suitcase, baby I know it’s not that easy

kim the cleaning lady’s espousal of equal rights as explained via sexual positions would have enlivened my feminism seminars

Just saw a pigeon eating a fruit pastille

Wish I had an autumn almanac

Mama said knock you out

Jumper was inside out all day yesterday

ow my balls

is clinically a beast

Wish I could stop sticking out my tongue when I concentrate

People will be able to tell when I’ve had my nervous breakdown when I’m found slowly driving around Vice City, observing traffic lights and listening to Emotion 98.3 – tears silently tumbling down my face
some people call it a one-night stand but we can call it paradise

I can see a blue tit

You can do it put your back into it

is going to start calling everyone ‘kid’ from now on

trousers fell down on way to lark lane

Ham-fisted bun vendor

one drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs

I believe in my own obsessions, in the beauty of the car crash, mystery of multi-storey car parks, in the poetry of abandoned hotels

Ello bruv

Hello Nasty

Living a boy’s adventure tale

Smell the glove

Applying the hot teaspoon to the forehead of life

game over man, game over

“Joanna Lumley? She’s got a plastic arsehole hasn’t she?”

walking a fine line between love and hate

Headbonks

I hate lowering my balls into a hot bath – Become a Fan

A few thoughts on Facebook’s new terms of service changes, which have hit the net this week.

What this change boils down to, if you’ve been living on a small island for a while or using BT internet, is that your Facebook stuff potentially defaults to public if you don’t pay attention when going through the pop-ups.

You may have noticed these “Oh hai, we’ve made some changes”-style pop-ups recently. If you weren’t paying attention and simply clicked through you may have opened up your Facebook profiles – Nazi fancy dress party photos, drunken status updates and NSFW links – to Google and co.

This, basically, means it’s all indexable by the search engines. Potentially, anyone can see what previously only your friends could see.

This is a pretty big deal, because potential employers will merrily check whatever public real estate you have on the web even though, for my money, this is highly unethical.

All of your public data can be harvested too: your geographical location, birthday (a particularly bad one to share), relationship status, work and education information…

This is all pretty reductive, and an absolute moral minefield. However, when hard clicks and hard cash come into play – the reason behind the Facebook shift – ethics tend to go out of the window.

So, is there an upside to this? Potentially, because any indexable real estate can be leveraged by the enterprising journo, PR or generic rampant self-publicist.

However, when I joined Facebook I acted in such a way that most people would when alone with their friends. I never thought it would all be publicly available, so I didn’t modify my behaviour. On other public profiles I’m aware of this and filter my public actions accordingly.

I don’t suppose there’s anything on my Facebook profile that would get me binned by an employer or associate, but why would I take the risk? And, frankly, I’m uncomfortable with anyone being able to access data I previously considered private.

Another issue, only just coming to light, is the murky issues regarding who owns all the stuff you’ve put on your Facebook page.

Facebook will say it does, or at least has some claim over it, but there’s not much set in stone to say that anyone can’t nab your Facebook pictures and blogs and use them to their own ends.

How do you fancy finding some of your photos in the Daily Mail aka the world’s worst newspaper?

So, there are two sensible alternatives. Delete your profile and start again, with a profile that is fit for public viewing. Or tell the search engine spiders to sod off.

For the sake of ease I’ve outlined how you go about doing this below.

Update your Facebook privacy settings:

1. Find ‘Settings’ at the top of your Facebook page

2. Find Privacy Settings

3. Untick ‘Allow indexing’

Done. Better safe than sorry.