Archive for the ‘The web’ Category
The five types of Facebook updates
There are only five types of Facebook status update. That’s a fact. There’s no actual evidence to support that claim, but it’s a fact nonetheless.
I’ve whittled it down to five types by looking over my status updates over the last year; they all fit perfectly into one of the five types of update I’ve identified. Oh, there are sub-categories and the like, but it’s all pretty much there. Here they are:
And that’s it. Think about every banal Facebook update you’ve ever seen. I guarantee they lot into one of these divisions.
See if you can slot my updates into one of the five categories. And, if you want bonus Internets, see if you can identify all the pop-culture references.
The five types of Facebook updates
Now THAT’S sarcasm…
like a kestrel having sex above a television set
………………………………….fuckstick?
has not impressed the bloke from Go West
Went to Jodrell Bank. Closed. Jodrell Wank
Went to Jodrell Bank today; thought of Logopolis
I’m going to thrash you to with in a inch of your life.. and then.. i’m going to have you
Guess what. I lied. Guess what. So did I. But I lied… Twice. … I didn’t think of that
I’m not a frying pantheist!
Bowman is reading out the bass hunter sex charges to me while the India/SA one-sayer is on telly. A chilling vision of how things could have worked out very differently.
Fillet o fish for my wife
if you don’t love me now you will never love me again
5 nights in 5 consecutive beds. Not as exciting as it sounds
The King’s Speech contains ‘strong language in a speech therapy context’
Ross Noble is on stonking form on I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
Which way to the bloodbath?
Would you smash it?
Where in shitting crikey is my nose?
A starling is running through it’s list of impersonations at St Michaels Station like a sturnidae Rory Bremner
I don’t like to take naps. I don’t like to wake up more than once a day. ‘Cause when I first wake up I get that shock of who I am and everything. I… I really don’t like to do that more than once a day.
got telephones for eyes
Whatever happened to Tiggy Ovington?
it’s the weekend. i want fags, sleep, booze, dr who, pub with friends, good food, culture, telly, buzzards, walks and sex. Up yours, work
points with mute distaste
whenever i watch Kill Bill I have a very strong mental image of Quentin Tarantino frantically, furiously wanking his naff little cock off
a relentless and merciless morale-killer
like a battenberg owned by Jesus that can miraculously talk
No word can describe how tired I am. So why am I not in bed?
I once had a dream so I packed up and split for the city
Crushed like a new potato in Jamie Oliver’s kitchen
Just attempted to move my eyes down page of magazine by moving mouse on desk
No exclamation marks. Anywhere. Ever. Excise them from your mind. Do not use exclamation marks.
Just saw Don Horton on Bargain Hunt
it is what it is
i’m a tiger when my dander’s up
Adam and Joe back on 6Music? Excellent!
The new Greggs chicken tikka slice is quite, quite horrible
promises to aliens have no validity
Ever heard of the double bluff?
He who laughs last… laughs longest
And the Rodneys are queueing up… God forbid
Have you ever retired a human by mistake?
Has exchanged contracts
Tropical hot dog night
I reserve a window seat at table, facing in the quiet carriage. my seat is non facing, aisle, no table. And two guards talking loudly! In the quiet carriage!
Hey you sat behind me on the train. Close your fucking mouth when you’re eating crisps, you fucking animal.
Logopolis. Murray Gold is shit.
Do you want the genital cuff?
“Now!” …. something something something. That brilliant “Now!” speech…
all my facts about lighthouses are wrong
misses his fat, lazy, stupid cat
General Ham?
Darkness outside; inside, the radio’s prayer; Rockall. Malin. Dogger. Finisterre
Botham: We’re too straightforward with the bowling. Botham: Sometime we try too many things with the ball. The man’s an idiot.
I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist you stop using the word ‘banter’.
This is the day your life will surely change
and they catch him and they say he’s mental
Novel introduction to training provider assessor: “I do wear a hearing aid and I am slightly deaf, so as a result I may come across as rude, sharp and aggressive.” Might pinch that.
demure…. sleazy…
I dreamed of you last night, You had a different face, Or maybe just a haircut
A man told me to beware of 33
A funky ball of tits from outer space
Ever see a photo of yourself and think ‘who the fuck is that old man?
Editing: -Hi – do you want to do a quick Q+A? -Sure, here’s 3,000 words of formless text
Wonder if anyone’s ever opened a furniture shop called Ottoman Empire
Don’t know if I’ve ever been so disbelieving of a death as Lis Sladen’s. Sad.
Today I was filmed angrily throwing an ice cream off a cliff
I went to Rotherham and longed for Threads
will you just read grazia and bake your stupid cakes?
Over the years I’ve come to regard you as people I… met
Enjoying the high bombardment of positive ions in the atmosphere
Word of the day is… QILF
First game of the season for Sefton Park CC – I am the oldest man in the team. And feel like it
What about Basil…where’s my snake?
If I’d got on the electoral role in time I’d be voting yes to AV today. Have you seen the No camp? Baddies, by any stretch of the imagination
Drove a monster truck over a police car; fired a bonnet-mounted paintball gun. Two more bucket list items ticked off
On the receiving end of such a powerful headbonk from the cat that scalding tea jolted all over my chest
Are the red satin sheets a bridge too far?
What’s your name? Who’s your Daddy?
It seems as if I’m going to have to Goto war with Matressman.co.uk – clearly they do not understand my power of teh internets
like butter scraped over too much bread
My cat’s snoring
I’m officially the 25th most important influencer in the UK automotive industry on Twitter. #winninginsomesmallinconsequentialway
Odd day. Started with a hangover. Stood around in the rain for hours. Got hit in the chin by a cricket ball. Good episode of Doctor Who. Ended with hangover.
If airport departure lounge screens said ‘wait miserably and impotently’ instead of ‘eat drink shop and relax’ I’d respect them a lot more
Classic French fare last couple of days. Foie gras, lobster, strong coffee and fags
Arrived at CDG in plenty of time for flight home. Five hours, to be precise
Sickly sweet Dr Hook hot lovin’ schmaltz or disturbing sexual threat? You decide: And when your body’s had enough of me and I’m laying flat out on the floor When you think I’ve loved you all I can, I’m gonna love you a little bit more
Gave Beau some catnip. Tried rolling around in it myself. Nothing.
……………………………………………………. …fuckstick?
A three crackpipe problem…
Warm copies make everything better
I don’t give a fuck about Kenny Dalglish!
The revolution will be streamed
All the fucking internet warriors would be first against the wall in my revolution. Digital shithouses
Tonight I’ve been walking in the rain. Someone’s been talking and I’ve got the blame.
Eeeeee!
If you had to be a participant in horror film The Mist or horror film The Fog, which would you choose?
Is it just people in Hartlepool who call things ‘shan’?
What goes on in this town is none of your business
This episode of Panorama is like seeing Ted Maul berate Sainsbur McManus in Cowsick #fuckoffyoupatronisingtwats
Mentally hilarious
Just found the best ‘actual’ name ever among contacts: Quinton Drawbridge
distracted by kestrels
Looking over some old gaming ‘lance I did, with some suggestions for sone author-based spin-offs that never got off the ground: Salmanazars Rushdie’s Poolhall Madness; Ian McEwan’s Sim Asylum and Clare Rayner’s Colchester Rally Inferno. I don’t think I ever worked for Future again after this batch.
Think I’ll call myself Donald Twain
ants are unable to relax and enjoy life
An empty pride, a hopeless vanity, a dreadful arrogance, a stupefyingly futile conceit… but at least it’s something to hang on to
Driving through Cologne with an Argentinian and two French guys listening to It’s Raining Men on the radio
Choke on em
Now, eating monster munch in Huddersfield, three hours after watching Bargain Hunt in a Range Rover Sport on Saddleworth Moor and 14 hours after getting up to play cricket, I’m wondering what can possibly happen next. Really hope that’s not my epitaph
There are coal tits in my yard!
Bon chic bin genre
Overheard in Chichester station: ragamuffin behaving badly answers phone: “Yes I did. Yeeees! KFC Mum, alright?!”
A day of driving electric cars with Kryten. My job is nothing if not eclecti
Last week I bought two grand’s worth of Wimbledon tickets according to my bank account. That’s insult to injury.
I laughed at this quote from RHE Observer for about ten minutes. A biography of Bercow by the BBC journalist Bobby Friedman attributes his ambition and desire to get one over the likes of Cameron, in part, to the fact that he was bullied at school. He was teased for his small stature and fear of wasps.
And the fact that you don’t understand, Casts a shadow over this land.
Proffered a napkin by kindly but slightly disapproving lady, clearly recognising that a chap with mayonnaise in beard and eating a sandwich with failing structural integrity is clearly in trouble
Try taking a pot of Vaseline through security in a see-through plastic bag without feeling like a raging bum fetishist. Go on, just try.
Unaccountably covered in baby spiders
I am acing this edition of Catchphrase tonight
Lost cat. In Arthur Street. Black and white.
My cat came back after nine days. Pathetically grateful to the cat Gods.
You spell Robin with an I if it’s a boy. With an I. NOT a Y.
My favourite word has been, and always will be, ‘frot’.
Actual stage direction: “Dracula fucks wildly”
If my cat did status updates I reckon his latest would read ‘just got back from three hours of staring slightly to the left of other cats’
And now on BBC4, middle-aged men get to stare at Victoria Coren’s ginormous breasts while pretending to answer questions abouT hieroglyphics
What’s a cocoa shunter?
it’s some book week thing; this is genuinely the 5th sentence of the 56th page of the closest book to me: “Deciding that the strange apparition probably wasn’t dangerous, the guard took his hand off the blaster, and reached for his belt communicator – and collapsed in a heap as K9 promptly shot him down”
Just a little explosion!
Will’s Mum from Inbetweeners has done a nude scene? Oh good God.
A Succulent Violin, Vaccine Unlit Soul, Vulcanise Cunt Oil #lucienlaviscountanagrams
Surely a train journey is the only time you’d drink a pint of coffee?
Frigging hell an ex is on the Great British Bake Off. This is like the start to a Nick Hornby novel.
Had a flashback – again – to the time I asked for a ‘scotch on the rocks’
What The Fuck? “The assailant can be seen to place his head down by the victim. He starts eating away at his face and his head. The male has had his two ears bitten off, part of his nose bitten off and half of his lip bitten off.The attack reminded me of a lion wrenching the flesh off a gazelle.”
i know now why you cry… but it is something i can never do….
there’s still some of the same stuff we got yesterday
Friday morning immediately brings an exceptionally loud Irish girl. Fuck you Friday morning
Spin spin spin the wheel of justice; see how fast the bastard turns!
On this day in 2010 i wrote ‘I hate Sebastian Coe!’
Text from brother: Which would you rather be called: Alan Viscount, Phillip Bourbon or Robin Custard-Cream?
Seem to have injured my neck but don’t know how. Mindful of Larry David’s views on this.
1AM stop-cock traumas – make your own jokes up
If anyone ever mentions the ‘wow factor’ to me ever again I’ll punch them in the teeth
FUCK OFF TOUGH MUDDER
Will the internet ever get tired of feeding me idiots to destroy?
Walked up a mountain today. It rained. Then we walked back down a waterfall.
Thinking about it it’s hard to decide on a favourite moment from the stag. The Fabulous! morphsuit-clad Jamie Bowman emerging from the toilets at Stenhousemuir; the walk up a mountain that became a waterfall; seeing my mates ziplining down a swollen river; the merciless Platoon-like paintball massacre of the stag; the hydro-electric power station; or the violent midnight game of rugger where I flattened Jamie, thrashed the opposition and ended up giving my details to a WPC about half my age. And I didn’t even mention the Crab From Islamabad…
Larry. I like you. What’s not to like? Ah… You’re a Jew Excellent episode of Curb. I think I might offer myself out as a social assassin
Have seen an E Type and a Mark II Jag in last two days
Having gone to the countryside fir a few days’ holiday I now seem to be watching Embarrassing Bodies with my family
Loading up on carbs and getting an early night. Gotta be up at 2pm for the Grand Prix…
Ticketed for doing 80mph on a three-lane motorway? That’s gotta be pretty unlucky
I want a dulcitone
Today I bought a Three Colours: Red poster. When I got home the latest RSPB magazine was waiting for me. For a few minutes I was the most middle class person in the world
ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!
Set in the near future, where robot boxing is a top sport, a struggling promoter feels he’s found a champion in a discarded robot
So, I've now got a motorsport licence. How could this possibly go wrong? Impossible to look at Wolverhampton without dreaming of hydrogen bombs exploding above it A 25-year-old Vauxhall Astra GTE nearly ended me today. But a dab of oppo and I was away Actual headline: MC Hammer to take on Google with rival search engine Dreams last night: a game of rugby in a WH Smiths a mile long; winning a marathon and being presented with some batteries as a prize; being exorcised by a catholic priest using a pub quiz machine. Your cod-Freudian analysis please Received a letter from the vets. Beau is now officially a 'mature or senior' cat. Wonder how long before I get a similar letter from the doctors. i've started writing an article at 11.49 - I'm a fool to myself Lots of best man speech advice things say five minutes max. I'm in serious trouble And so to the wedding of Jamie and Becky. I expect they're both straightening their hair as I type "Yes it's true. This man has no dick." Got train to St michaels; walked home; walked back to St michaels to pick up car; drove home Lid on train: "I'm really tired; I'm still asleep. It must be the hour going back..." Personally my money was on it being the smack In fairness, Pete Tranter's sister is hot To Portugal to drive an electric car tomorrow - and how many people can say that? I've missed these dingy Heathrow hotel rooms. Long couple of days. Today comprised: 2 electric cars, a Nissan Cube, a flight, a train and a bus. Welcomed home by some fucking idiot dog walker who left a number of bundles of dog shit, like small pagan offerings, in my empty recycling crate New Bravissimo catalogue. The postal service's way of telling me the woman I bought my house off had massive norks. Shan as It's mischievous, not mischieveeous, dammit Today I piloted the TARDIS with Terrance Dicks I think the unions have chosen entirely the wrong grounds on which to base this fight, and played in Tory hands as a result, but given some of the disgraceful shit from the Tories today, I'm happy to aim an emphatic 'fuck you' in their general direction Taking Egg-Shaped Fred for tea Dear Facebook - I have zero interest in following CEOs of silicon valley digital agencies. Here are people I would follow: Tom Baker, JJ Burnel, Geoff Boycott, Mick Foley, Tony Benn, umm.... Paul Daniels you'reacockyou'reacockyou'reacock Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall is spitroasting nine birds on More 4. Before the watershed too. "One of your friends read the article 'I'm still a virgin as my boyfriend couldn't penetrate me' on the Guardian" Beautiful South's Perfect 10: a song about fat sex that I utterly despise and was once referred to by Simon Hoggart as 'the best pop song of the year'. The daft twat. Hello Facebook. Why the chuff would I wan to know that my friends are posting 'about Christmas'? The Toyota Land Cruiser was known as the Toyota BJ when it first went on sale in the UK "How about a detective who dangles a piece of string?" Shit. Twat. Fuck. ****. You made me do that Auto Correct. You hear me? YOU MADE ME Neil Morrissey dislikes nouvelle cuisine #bbc2 Stupid like a fox I'm givin' this whole thing as a promotional expense, that's why I invited clients instead of friends Ah, the arrangement of the First Nowell that's used on The Box of Delights on Radio 4. Beautiful Bedded, knobbed and bumsticked BBC4 doc on decay potentially fascinating, but seems to consist of a man constantly expressing surprise at old food going off Hilarious famed Hartlepool insult: You look like a new-born pig
Is Piers Morgan a twat?
I don’t follow Piers Morgan on Twitter because he’s a self-important blowhard hiding behind the pretence of being a simple wind-up merchant.
He’s like Wimbledon in the 80s but without the hardness. He’s like an internet warrior who’s been offered his own TV show. He’s not even a twat; he’s just a tit.
But he turns up with tiresome regularity on my Twitter feed, usually when people are RTing some tedious banter between him and Alan Sugar. More often the word ‘twat’ is associated’.
So, I got to wondering, just how often does Piers Morgan get called a twat on Twitter?
The answer, as far as I can work out, is once every 20 minutes or so. But don’t take my word for it, have a look below in this embedded Hootsuite search feed.
NB. This should refresh every ten minutes so think of it as a live insight into the world’s view of Piers. You might need to install Flash if you can’t see it.
The fickle world of the influencer list
It’s been a funny old week for me in the online world. First MotorTorque, which I curate, was named the 25th best Twitter influencer in the UK automotive industry, then AdTurds was named in the top 200 ad/marketing/PR blogs (Clarkson-like pause)… in the world.
That’s all quite heartening especially as AdTurds is little more than a hobby that I do virtually nothing promote (although I’ll no doubt be bumped off the latter next month, when 455 Soho-based bloggers submit their own websites to Brand Republic).
But, really, what do these lists tell us? Very little for my money. The Twitter auto industry list was compiled using Klout (a Twitter metric I have little faith in) and used some other UK auto industry-specific peer group list I didn’t know existed.
Those not on the latter didn’t find their way onto the list – and a fair few people rather took their bats home. Understandably to some extent; the list had Automotive PR (list compiled by… Automotive PR) at the top and featured a knowledgeable, friendly guy who does not work in the car industry in the top ten.
While it was an interesting experiment I’m not sure what we learned from it, beyond the thin skins of some journos. The last word on the whole affair, which somewhat dominated auto journo gossip last week, was this brilliant Downfall skit by Sam Burnett.
On the second front there’s an explanation of a more thorough methodology behind the Brand Republic 200 that appears, at first glance, much more comprehensive. However, some of the blogs that have been included haven’t been updated for a year. One has not been updated for over three years. Quite how they got through the filters I don’t know.
People compiling lists like this always add plenty of caveats to them. They’re not about quality or personal favourites and no list is comprehensive. Still, they’re likely to cop a lot of flack – from people not named in the list or unhappy with results or those who simply don’t think the numbers stack up; both lists I’ve recently featured in have qualified on both counts.
So, what’s in it for the compilers? Plenty of free, cheap publicity – at least 50 or 200 retweets or Facebook shares from those in the list and more from those wanting in – and an opportunity to style onesself as an industry expert. Cheap and easy copy…
And what of those named in these lists? Well, they’re a nice little ego boost but not much more besides in my opinion. MotorTorque gained a few Twitter followers and AdTurds had a very small increase in traffic – an inbound link here and there is always good too – but appearances on these lists amounts to little more to flattery.
Having said all of that I’ll be fuming next month when I’m not placed. Such is the fickle world of the influencer list.
Are attention spans waning – even on Twitter?
I noticed a splurge of new followers the other day, and a few new message from people telling me their experiences of Twitter.
This sort of thing happens every now and then when something I’ve written on the subject gets shared by a social media maven, or whatever the hell they’re calling themselves nowadays.
Sure enough something called Tweethelper and then TweetSmarter had send the link to my really, really simple guide to using Twitter out into the ether, where it got retweeted another 80 or so times that I can detect, probably more, and often by people wil six-figure follower, er, followings.
So I dived into analytics, expecting a deluge of traffic and some high bounce rates. The bounce rates were certainly there but the traffic? Around 600 hits that appeared to come from the shared Twitter links. 600 hits from 80 retweets? And, at a guess, a potential audience of around 200,000? Not a great return.
What does this say for Twitter’s ability to generate traffic? Not much. Could it be that, since businesses and spammers took to Twitter there’s a spot of link fatigue going on? Was it ever that useful?
I’ve become more and more sceptical about the ability of Twitter to generate significant traffic unless, perhaps, you have large followings already and really hammer the links.
Perhaps it’s another sign that people don’t really want much more than the usual internet diet of celebs, free stuff and sex – even on Twitter. And, already, people have started to filter out the stuff that’s not immediately of interest to them, like they did with display adverts.
So, if 140 chars isn’t enough for WILFers, where do we go from here?
Yahoo’s axing of Delicious leaves a sour taste
So Delicious is off to the land of defunct social networks. This annoys me as it’s the best pure bookmarking site on the web; frankly I find Stumble Upon too gimmicky – and curiously hard to use – while the likes of Reddit and Digg are just popularity contests these days.
On every computer I work from, there’s a Delicious applet that automatically populates my Delicious account with the meta data from whatever page I’m bookmarking. I add a couple of tags and I’m off again, safe in the knowledge that I can easily find the page again when I need it.
For reasons best known to itself – at a guess something like Delicious is pretty hard to monetise – parent company Yahoo! is set to wave off the bookmarking site into the sunset, according to a leaked screenshot detailing strategies for the company’s sprawling, fragmented, declining empire.
Yahoo! has form with simply trashing stuff it fails to make anything of, with its complete binning of Geocities, and I fear a similar fate for Delicious, rather than let it continue under someone else or release it to open source.
Frankly, I just don’t know what Yahoo! is for any more. Ten years ago, in the era of homepages and mail and search engines, when people like MSN and AOL built up massive online footprints – cars, celebrities, news services, videos – and started acquiring start-ups like Delicious and Flickr, Yahoo! at least made sense within that landscape.
But five years ago everyone realised that, no matter how many news channels you opened, people just weren’t using the web in the same way any more. Google put paid to the other search engines, then slowly took over email, and people began to realise that you might as well get your news from a newspaper than a portal.
Facebook has started its cannibalisation of the web and is well on its way to becoming a true portal – the only page anyone needs to visit on the interweb. Another death knell for the horrifyingly busy, crowded, redundant Yahoo! and MSN homepages.
In this context, satellite services like Flickr and Delicious seem to make even more sense to me. Data is valuable; everyone takes photos; professionals and geeks like to share information; niche services become important in their own right.
Most of the freshest bookmarks on Delicious are users discussing the site's impending demise
The real value of Delicious, to me, was in a massive peer-reviewed repository of the valuable stuff on the web. In amongst all the self-serving newsletters, Twitter feeds and artificially-inflated search-engne rankings – Delicious offered the best of the web filtered by people who worked within the same industries that you did and could be trusted to share the really good stuff. Those delicious web bites that can get lost on the cess pool that is the modern internet.
Whenever I need to research something in journalism, social media, marketing, PR or anything else in the technical realm I turn to Delicious. I dare say coders, techies and a variety of other professionals do too. In this way Delicious was almost an uber search engine; no-one tried to game it like they do Google, Digg or Reddit so only the really good stuff was in there.
I doubt many people used Delicious in the grand scheme of things, but that made it all the more valuable (and I can’t understand how it could possibly cost much to run); and Yahoo! should have been able to make something of that, particularly when they own so much other ancillary real estate.
I never saw, for example, a way to integrate Delicious with my Yahoo! email account. Sure, there’s probably a way to do it, but it was never offered to me. Similarly, why not cross-reference Flickr and Delicious? Or introduce a nominal annual fee and stick some bells and whistles on it?
That Yahoo! doesn’t see the value in retaining Delicious just says, to me, that the company doesn’t really understand what it’s there for any more, that it’s lost sight of how to leverage what it has and make sense of those who continue to use their services.
There’s an online campaign pinging around the other social networks at the moment to save delicious, which indicates the depth of feeling among users. Will it work? I hope so, because Delicious may just be one of the more valuable online repositories of peer-reviewed knowledge in existence. If no-one sees the value of that I despair.
2010: My year in status updates
Is there anything remotely fascinating about other peoples’ status updates? Probably not, but the ability to track your own life story using Facebook’s pithy snippets, like a personal dot-to-dot connecting different moments in time, is an interesting one to my mind.
Looking back over my own, I remembered some things that happened this year that I’d completely forgotten about, and a few that amused me due to the responses they elicited or events they concerned.
It’s curious that we all leave a personal data trail across the web these days. Via Twitter, Facebook, Foursquare, Youtube, Flickr and blogs, you’d probably be able to determine where I was and what I was doing on any given day this year.
There’s a train of thought that maintains that this is a horrifying release of personal data, but I’m quite amused by the idea that Russian internet mobsters are trying to make sense of the numerous pop-culture references, puzzling over pictures of my cat or exchanging bemused hypotheses over my infatuation with something named the ‘Baltic Fleet’.
Anyway, here’s my life in status updates. It’s not Shakespeare, but it all means something to me, and perhaps quite a few friends. In the absence of a diary, it should keep me amused or remind me of cool things I did in a few decades’ time too – assuming the ants haven’t taken over.
I don’t want to go (David Tennant relinquished the keys to the TARDSI)
cat’s turning his nose up at roast beef, the little bollocks!
Milk was a bad choice (Ron Burgundy reference)
It’s not too late to be reinstated (Shack reference)
Frost on beard (January was horribly cold, leading to chaos in Liverpool)
“Much more fortunate than the millions who’ll wander sightless through the smouldering aftermath. We’ll be spared the horror of survival.” They don’t make kids’ films like they used to (from War Games, one of my favourite films)
WHY HAS MY HEAD GONE NUMB? (Withnail and I reference)
Actual headline: Man with genitals in pipe cut free (He ‘gave no explanation’
Ian McNiece and Robbie Coltrane is the same scene? Why it’s fat English character actor heaven! (In From Hell)
Has never seen anyone as upset over a game of Connect Four as Iwan (I beat my housemate at online Connect Four, having listened to him extolling his abilities. I promptly retired from the game forever)
Where’s the white going? WHERE’S THE WHITE GOING? (ref. John Virgo)
Alien Cat People versus America in Space was excellent (Avatar)
Distraught at losing darts, Iwan has logged on to get a Connect 4 win under his belt to end the day on a victorious note – and been hammered three times (January was a bad month for Iwan’s games ability. I crashed out of the darts at the quarter final stage but returned to voice Sir Roger Moore in a pre-match vid))
Back from monster trip. Huskies, igloos, barn owls, ice driving lunacy, five airports in three days, Hitler’s holiday home and a blazing row with a Sun journalist (went on the adventure holiday of a lifetime, courtesy of Volvo)
Me: Yeah, QED – Quite Easily Done. Bowser: [Beat] Is that what QED means? (This conversation actually happened)
Midnight rockers, city slickers, gunmen and maniacs (ref. Massive Attack)
God, it would be awful if Ricky somehow got hold of this videotape… (ref. Eastenders – Bianca’s loose tongue causes problems)
Though your world is changing I will be the same (ref. Bryan Ferry)
Should I buy Beyond the Valley of the Dolls on DVD? (I didn’t)
is watching reruns of Babylon 5 (ref. Spaced – but also true)
goes ding when there’s stuff (ref. Doctor Who)
Javagal Srinath (Indian cricketer, possibly the best name ever)
Clone Stamp and Smudge Tool (twatting about on Photoshop, probably on Creature Features
Is the guy on Masterchef who’s a pediatrician being referred to as a ‘children’s doctor’ in case people think he’s a paedophile? I like Masterchef, especially the facial expressions
Yo Yo Ma! (ref. Curb Your Enthusiasm)
I had part of a slinky… but I straightened it (ref. Ghostbusters)
I am the dog that ate your birthday cake (Mark Linkous killed himself)
What a day. The Citroen DS3 is good. The C3… not so good. Huddersfield, mainly depressing (some driving stuff)
DJ Falcon (returned to Chibuku for the first time in five years, felt old)
One of your friends became a fan of Seeing The Shape Of A Girls Ass Through Her Leggings (baffling Facebook stuff)
Society’s a weak excuse for a man (ref. Slick Rick)
Parting Shots: Michael Winner, Chris Rea, Peter Davison, Diana Rigg, Felicity Kendall, John Cleese, Ben Kinglsey, Trevor Baxter, Olly Reid, Gareth Hunt, Nicola Bryant in a bra. Quite the worst film ever (terrible, terrible, terrible)
Along you came, and right away I’m stung. Sweet words I long to whisper, but you paralyzed my tongue (ref. Simpsons)
You’ve Been Framed=Idiot Painful Comeuppance Half Hour (I like You’ve Been Framed, especially the ones where people deserve it)
I’m poppa large, big shot on the east coast (ref. Ultramagnetic MCs)
I couldn’t fuck a gorilla… (ref. The Man With Two Brains)
Ooh, try a little harder, You’re moving in circles, won’t you dilate, Baby try (ref. Kajagoogoo)
Funniest Ever You’ve Been Framed followed by Best Ever TV Burp. Is it my birthday already? (Two shows I love)
Beloved ****? (ref. Curb)
Bought an organ, a bike and a Terrahawks DVD (birthday presents to self – see my huge organ here)
Hopelessly Panglossian (ref. The Duckworth Lewis method)
Became a fan of STOP FALLING FOR STUPID ‘BECOME A FAN TO WATCH VIDEO’ SCAMS (Facebook idiocy)
Had a mouse for dinner, and a mole for dessert (ref. Paul Barman)
Ohh, Eggheads, what hilariously irrelevant banter will you come up with next? (I dislike Eggheads)
Mazda MX-5 on a sunny day in the countryside (driving the little roadster on a sunny day was great fun; excellent car)
Watching people do ‘Meow Meow’ (it didn’t look good)
I’ll tell you what’s worse than going back to work after two weeks off, you sodding part-timers, not having two sodding weeks off in the first sodding place! (whinging public service staff)
Morny Stannit (ref. Morecambe and Wise)
When this baby hits 88mph, you’re going to see some serious shit (ref. Back to the Future)
Saw a heron and two swans making a nest in Sefton Park. And a moorhen moodying a swan. And a rat. (the varies fauna of Sefton Park)
I live among the creatures of the night (ref. Laura Brannigan)
Tennant and Izzard telling us Britain is good? This is also BROKEN BRITAIN PEOPLE (the 2009 election broadcasts)
Coming soon to a newspaper near you: LFC fans give warm welcome to Russian oil oligarch (the 2009 LFC soap opera
Venison fillet, red wine jus, crushed new potatoes with with garlic flowers. Excellent (I picked the garlic flowers from a wood in Masham)
Adrian Chiles ordered to shave bear (for some reason the title cut off here in WordPress stats for the Adrian Chiles ordered to shave beard story)
Most troubling opening line in pop? ‘I was 37, you were 17′ (ref. Heaven 17)
Leveraged the shit out of some synergies today (spent a lot of time at work devising strategies for several content channels)
‘A woman from Devon has begun speaking with a Chinese accent after suffering severe migraines’
Gordon Brown! (ref. Adam and Joe)
Managed a run-out in a Rover 623 SLi today – great fun. It actually crossed my mind to buy it. (I didn’t, but I thought about it – photos)
KLAAAAK!
I can see you got a solar report (ref. The Charlatans)
There’s a lot of produce here (Gordon Brown’s comment on a supermarket during the election campaign)
I warn you not to be ordinary, I warn you not to be young, I warn you not to fall ill, and I warn you not to grow old. (ref. Neil Kinnock)
Kelvin MacKenzie has promised to leave the UK on a one-way trip to Belize if there is a hung parliament. Do I need to say anything else? (I loathe Kelvin MacKenzie)
Overheard: Greggs minion to builder: ‘How many sugars love?’ Builder: ‘Five please’ BROKEN BRITAIN (I loathe the Broken Britain meme)
Randomly bumped onto half a dozen people I know whilst wandering around town. I love Liverpool for that (on one my infrequent Sunday gallery tours)
Two games of cricket, two knackered fingers. By July I’ll be typing with my nose at this rate (I developed two new cricket injuries this summer)
Doctor Baker phoned me in the morning (ref. The Beta Band)
On balance I prefer the Jaguar XJ to the Kia Rio (two cars I drove in quick succession, I preferred the Jag)
Someone on this bus is absolutely blasting the acid tweaking funk mix of higher state of consciousness. And a fat dooby. (the two so often seem to go together)
Bored of zombies now. Can we have a zombie amnesty? (2010 was the year of zombie overload)
I have a bacon sandwich in my pocket (must have been a good day)
Overheard outside: (Girl answers phone – shrilly) WHA-? What’s the matter? Proper shit meself there, I thought something was the matter…”
Don’t get this thing of asking how much people ‘want’ something in reality shows: ‘How much do you want this?” “I really, really want it” (ref. Masterchef, X-Factor etc)
Jests at scars (ref. Shakespeare)
Blow in her face and she’ll follow you anywhere (old-skool cigarette ad)
Mein Fuhrer… I can walk! (ref. Dr Strangelove)
Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so (ref. Douglas Adams)
Could have sworn I just heard a bird tweeting Higher State of Consciousness (somewhere on Saddleworth Moor)
‘He got his finger out, but didn’t put it up’ (ref. cricket)
My actual instinctive reaction to news of Gary Coleman’s death: ‘Aw, poor little fella’. Even in death he’s patronised (poor little fella)
A routine malaise (ref. Grizzly Bear)
To the break of dawn (ref. Bad Lieutenant)
Hmm, was Sex and the City ever any good? I mainly remember a lot of muff jokes and bitching about men (The new SatC film got bad reviews)
Do you respect wood? (ref. Curb)
Sevenstreets (SevenStreets finally launched)
Just saw a chicken escorted off the premises at old Trafford. At least he had his dignity (at the Old Trafford Test against Bangladesh)
I hate Ian Wright (for things like this advert)
Wrath of the Math (ref. Jeru the Damaja)
If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night? (ref. Britney Spears)
ladies and gents watches, a toastie machine a microwave oven, a pine dresser and upright turbo cleaner have just been gambled on bullseye. They didn’t look overly delighted by the holiday to Thailand though (shit telly)
Vworp Vworp (ref. Doctor Who, specifically Target)
I have to return some video tapes (ref. American Psycho)
Michael Douglas’s mirrored sunglasses (ref Neon Neon)
Is playing the part of a real trouble-maker (ref. The Passions)
Dismayed by my pudgy face on Granada Reports. Disgracefully, Iwan’s shit wicket was broadcast across the north-west (at the brilliant Sefton Park Solstice Cup match)
Just remembered extraordinary sight from yesterday AM: Huge vortex of thousands of seagulls swarming around Africa Oye site (feasting on curried goat, no doubt)
Liverpool abolished as part of Budget (austerity budget announced)
Pretty disappointed by Ragged Trousered Philanthropists (not one of the Everymans best, in what’s been another great year for the Liverpool theatre – review here)
I’m a cop, you idiot! (ref. Schwarzenegger)
Tesla girls, Tesla girls, I’m in love with Tesla girls (ref. OMD)
Radiates like it’s ’88 (ref. Paul Barman)
Today I will mostly be creating robust strategies, identifying key influencers, working with cross-organisational stakeholders, creating brand outposts, plan distribution strategies and increasing brand equity. And to think I dreamed of being an investigative journalist. (spent a lot of time researching social media in business)
‘Question of the Week: Which web/marketing analytics tools can’t you live without when measuring your inbound marketing programs?’ In what sort of crazy world is this ‘question of the week’? (Someone replied: ‘In your world, Brown’)
Explosive water pipe failure in living room. Cue ten minutes of frantic slapstick (Paul, the most useless plumber in the world showed up on time for once)
Fig rolls (I like fig rolls)
When I see your eyes arrive, they explode like two bugs on glass (ref. Mercury Rev)
Jam Up and Jelly Tight (ref. Tommy Rowe)
Enjoying the high bombardment of positive ions in the atmosphere (ref. The FIve Doctors)
The quest is the quest (ref. Doctor Who)
I see Channel 4 is doing another boobs and cocks programme and passing it off as educayshun (Channel 5 will always win in this battle)
Recommended Pages: Sleeping Many who like Drinking like this < Raincloud of Doom is my new favourite insult (insult directed at shouty twat Shabby, from the last ever Big Brother) Staff cuts have socked up the overage (ref. REM) Marmite – Many who like Tony Hart like this Just had flashback to the two ultimate fighter nicknames I once saw on a poster in the Penny Farthing: 'Beasteron' and 'I Will Destroy You' (wish I'd taken a photo) I guarantee this place has no Foursquare Mayor (in the Stoke Mandeville Stadium Olympic Lodge hotel during a work trip, having spent the previous night at the brilliant Aviator Hotel, courtesy of Saab) Ah, Fucking You Tonight – Biggie Smalls’ irresistible exploration of the quid pro quo of courtship in the modern age (ref. Biggie Smalls) What would Avon off Blake’s 7 do? (ref. Blake’s 7) l33t supa h4x0r (ref. leetspeak) Northumbria Uber Alles (ref. Dead Kennedys) there’s only two ways you can injure your neck (ref. Curb – a car accident and oral sex) Peking Homonculus (ref. Talons of Weng Chiang) Imagine a world where shoes are not your friends (can’t remember where this comes from) KBO (ref. Churchill) ‘Every girl’s given someone a blower’ – Big Brother enhances all of us (lovely, uncomplicated Josie) Let’s get this straight iPhone, if I want to say ‘twat’ in a text I’m damn well going to say it. Not ‘teat’, not ‘test’. Twat (amusing site here) Dear neighbour, your folky summer jamming session is very nice, but shut the fuck up you fucking hippies (they moved shortly after) I didn’t make it sugar, playing by the rules (ref. Marvin Gaye) Been eatin’ pineapple (ref. Scarface censorship) I’m with Morse. I don’t drink because I enjoy it, I drink so I can think. Though I also enjoy drinking (I like Inspector Morse and drinking) Everybody spread the word. I live in my sister’s basement! (ref. The Wedding Singer) dab of oppo (ref. Sniff Petrol) ‘Cake is sexy bread’ reveals the great bake off. Now got to religious persecution of cake. Utterly futile programme (a silly show that also saw Mel Or Sue refer to eggs, flour, butter and sugar as ‘the Fab Four’) That time of the week when I allow myself a solitary draught of laudanum I wish they all could be double-barreled… (ref. Top Secret!) You would make a fantastic booby (ref. John McCririck) Give me convenience or give me death (ref. Dead Kennedys) If there’s one thing on my mind it’s gettin downstate (ref. Aim) I could make you cry in three minutes (drunken threat to best friend) No diggity (ref. Blackstreet) I hate Sebastian Coe! (ref. Brass Eye, though I do hate Sebastian Coe) Vanessa Felch (nickname given to a barmaid I used to know) Baking a pie. I’ve been away too long (it was steak and kidney) Cafe au lait… pour vous (ref. Shaun of the Dead) Nice and sleazy does it (ref. The Stranglers) Tweedle Twat (ref, Science, Big Brother) Right, off on holiday to the Dales. There will be sausages (there were, in Masham) Carwash cunt (ref. Curb) Picking out a thermos for you… (ref. The Jerk) Worst Goal of the Month music ever. Bring back Life of Riley (ref. Match of the Day) Stop saying things are ‘cheeky’ (eg cheeky Volvic) What’s that brain? You’re feeling creative? Well fuck you, you’ve had all day, I’m off to bed (bloggers curse) Watching a game of park footy in Preston. Precocious dribbler rounds three men on his way towards goal. A shout rings out: “bring him down Legolas!” (livened up a day of driving Vauxhalls) Here hare here (I cooked a hare casserole, it was tough but tasty) 17,000 more sleeps til I’m dead (according to some online generator thing) Mmm nice marmot (ref. The Big Lebowski) Just heard a classic ‘Eee! Are you messin’?’ in the office (classic Liverpool) Nothing makes me more pleased to be European than seeing some of the frat-boy dicks in the crowd at the Ryder Cup #getintheholeball (the goodies won) **** your ****ing ***** off you ****! (ref. The Inbetweeners) Young, gifted and Brown Dear Mr Hicks, please will you fuck off and leave LFC alone so I don’t have to listen to whining Reds bleating on about it all the time. Cheers, Robin (tiresome LFC soap opera rumbles on) Some guy on twitter is trying to get me to listen to his mixtape, which includes a song called Damn It Feels Good To Be A Scouser (I didn’t listen) ‘scenes of animal mating’? (since when did viewers have to be warned about animal mating?) What’s wrong with being childish? I like being childish (ref. Doctor Who) Right. Your help please. Is it ‘briefcase wanker’ or ‘briefcase mong’? (both, apparently) People searching for ‘blackman and robin’ on the culture blog always makes me nervous (see why for yourself – Blackman and Robin Last night I dreamed had a scouse accent (a nightmare) Maybe you’re my puppet (ref. Solaris) This is definitely Laphroaig weather (I like Laphraoig) Suddenly forgotten a keyboard shortcut I use 100 times a day. Another ‘is this the inevitable onset of senility?’ pang of fear (senility and arthritis, great mix) Good God, George Osborne has a grotesque little face (I hate George Osborne It’s not the way you look, it’s not the way that you smile (ref. A Flock of Seagulls) Noticed the ‘Safe Zone’ in Brunswick station is now called ‘Safer Zone’. Perhaps an acknowledgement that painting a yellow line around something does not make it inherently safe (probably now called ‘slightly safer zone) Because I once commented on an article called ‘video games are no better than pornography’, my Guardian profile now lists ‘pornography’ as one of my key interests (now changed to ‘commented on’) House****ing (the C word – I didn’t enjoy looking for a house) Would you call your first-born Citroen Berlingo Multispace for a million quid? (I had recently driven said car) Wage rates in Peru, James Burke, Finnegans Wake, all the bloody irish, the dog in Blue Peter, Brian Clough, and especially James Henry and Clive and Australian barmen, ecologists, semiologists…the Guardian Women’s Page, the Bible, Reader’s Digest Special Price Draw… (all the things Philip Marlow finds boring) The cat tolerated my over-enthusiastic, drunken greeting, but I could tell he was secretly irritated (he’s usually irritated) That old ‘is it a powercut or have the fuses gone?’ chestnut. Spose I’d best dig out a torch. Hope they’re not my last words. (power cut, though this led to the fuses blowing and detouring to the missus’ house for a shower for two weeks) Halloween, perhaps the best horror film ever made, coming up on BBC4 (I like horror films) You don’t know how to play the game/You cheat/You lie/You make me wanna cry (ref. Godley and Creme) So very close to referring to a sliding car as an ‘ungainly fuck on a frozen pond’ in an article (Volvo XC60 I think) Aksidenz Grotesk (I like fonts) You’re just going to have to turn this opportunity YES (ref. Sexy Beast) wore a suit for nothing. pfft. (for a meeting with GM that didn’t happen) Kazakhstan is the greatest exporter of potassium, all other countries have inferior potassium (ref. Borat) Savaged by a turbot (ref. Blackadder) A translation error at a UK prison labelled an exercise yard as an “execution yard” in the draft of an information booklet for Russian inmates (genuine BBC story) Ten per cent of robins will die at the hands of another robin (chilling birdlife fact) A merciless thunderbolt (no idea) Finding it hard to escape the feeling that the world would be a slightly better place if Dappy from NDubz was dead (I hate Dappy from NDubz) Shane Warne: My mates are great – thanks for that Shane, you pudgy Aussie twat (I dislike Sky’s cricket commentary) Nice beaver (ref. Naked Gun, Leslie Neilsen died) Mention the Lord of the Rings just once more and I’ll more than likely kill you (ref. Half Man Half Biscuit) what a great start to the day. Aussies 0-2 (Aussies totally outclassed in Ashes 2010 Overheard, coming from direction of workmen: ‘there’s Brownie, the SHITBAG!’ (not sure if this was directed at me, I didn’t look back) The fact that you don’t understand, casts a shadow over this land (ref. Billy Bragg/Dubstar) …a twist in the fabric of space in which time becomes a loop (ref. The Orb/Star Trek) However, the culture secretary’s patience was tested further just after 9.30am when Marr hosted a discussion about the Freudian slip as a follow-up to his colleague’s mistake. “We’re not going to repeat in quite the terms it happened,” Marr promised, before repeating exactly the same mistake Naughtie had made. Marr quickly corrected himself and apologised, saying: “It’s very hard to talk about it without saying it.” (hilarious ‘cunt’ antics at the BBC) Sacked chimney sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise (Day Today reference) • If you want to know how to harvest your status updates from Facebook, I recommend an app called Status Statistics as it lets you do whatever you want with them, rather than the crap My Year in Status, which doesn’t even let you have access to your own status updates
Crowdsourcing: Tim Loughton #endof
Children’s Minister Tim Loughton was just one of the Tories at the Conservative Party conference asked about controversial cuts to child benefit today, and hit upon a novel, and some may say wizard, wheeze to avoid answering any of the questions the millions of people affected by the cuts may have had for him.
Toeing a furious ‘tough but fair’ party line, Loughton decided that the best way to head off any awkward questions was simply to say ‘end of’ repeatedly; like a youth announcing that further discussion is unlikely to bear fruit, after stating his intention to avoid cleaning up his room.
Quite what Dave Cameron, trying his best to put an end to the public image of Tories as arrogant – nay ‘nasty’ – politicians, makes of it is anyone’s guess.
It’s a little more imaginative – not to say rather more out-of-place – than John Nott’s response to Robin Day’s assertion that he was a ‘here today, gone tomorrow’ sort of politician, which was to walk out of a live interview, but not much more.
Unfortunately Twitter wasn’t around 30 years ago, so we’ll never know what the Twitterati would have made of that historial broadcasting spat.
Luckily for us, the response of dozens of voters on Twitter to Loughton’s bizarre performance, can be enjoyed again and again.
Here’s the video, scroll down for Twitter judgement.
ColRichardKemp: Tim Loughton, Children’s Minister, to BBC on child benefit: “End of, end of, end of.” Astonishing arrogance from one who is paid to serve us
Raziashah
That was “street” innit !RT @ColRichardKemp Tim Loughton, Children’s Minister, to BBC on child http://tl.gd/6bmfpvalastairharding
Tory Minister Tim Loughton – most entertaining piece on @BBCNewsnight for some time “end of, end of, end of” – what a twat #toryfailmhughesuk
Tim Loughton MP… You completely arrogant prick… “end of…end of…” we’re paying this guy to be a Minister? #Timloughtonsueihaworth
*End of, End of, End of* – Tim Loughton says. Just what Ive been thinking about you. Sorry but you’ve never been an asset #ukpoliticsWhitbyminer
#tim loughton#newsnight….end of, end of, should have been a cue for a cameraman to banjo himSooThomas
Tory Tim Loughton MP, Children’s Minister needs to widen his vocabulary and get a bit of media training! #ChildBenefit @NewsnightWatski
Convenient that Tim Loughton is Childrens Minister. His ‘Thick of it’ style interview on #newsnight was reminiscent of a small childLaurenREdwards
Tim Loughton sounds like such a knob bleating ‘end of’ on #newsnightkenningtonkitty
tim loughton got a scratch? #endof2MuchApplePie
Children’s Minister Tim Loughton, defending Osborne child benefit cuts, says “end of” 3 times, Bizarre. Like a yoof saying “fiddlesticks!”.onlyintheuk
Conservative Tim Loughton MP. His view of fairness as a tradition of the party END OF.b3ta_links
Tim Loughton MP thinks he is on The Jeremy Kyle Show. End of.MrsJundi
Tim Loughton is an arrogant prick. “End of”.ediemullen
I can’t believe Tim Loughton just used “end of.” – repeatedly on the news. What a smug little cockdribbleChris_1966
Rt Hon. Tim ‘end of’ Loughton says Child Benefit ‘sorted, nuff said alrite geez’
Twitterrific: Hero to Zero
In the grand scheme of things, what Twitter client you use on your mobile device is small beer by anyone’s standards, but it’s recently become a big deal to me.
Having taken the plunge with the iPhone, the search was on for a decent Twitter client so I could enjoy sitting in pubs, ignoring my friends and e-wanking away on my shiny new Apple thing (shamefully, one of five products I now have from the company).
Hootsuite, which I use on my computers, was discarded as being rather too clunky and busy: Echofon, used previously, didn’t do it for me either. Having asked on Twitter – where else? – someone suggested I use Twitterrific.
It was by far the simplest and most user-friendly of all the applications. It looked nice; it was simple; you could change the font sizes and themes; you could have multiple accounts; it made a tweeting noise when it updated. I particularly noticed that.
There were problems. The Twitter API seemed to be at lunch half the time, and this became more and more of a problem as Twitter began cutting back on third-party app API use.
Then, without warning, Twitterrific just stopped working completely. It said my login details were incorrect, but I re-entered them several times to no avail. I noticed an update, but that didn’t help either.
So I went to Twitter – where else? – to see what was wrong and learned there was a new version. They’d simply switched the old one off. Pretty poor, I thought to myself, but hey ho.
I downloaded the new version. But it looked confusing: I couldn’t change the font size; I couldn’t add more than one account; and I couldn’t work out how to do anything. It still made the tweeting noise, but that wasn’t quite enough to swing it.
I browsed the reviews on the new application to see a column of one-star reviews. And what made it so frustrating was that everyone, like me, loved the previous version.
The new version costs £2.99 but that doesn’t bother me in itself. If it was as good as the previous version, with a few more bells and whistles, I’d have gladly swallowed the expense.
But the way the previous version was simply turned off annoys me, and I’m not the only one. Have a look at some of these reviews from iTunes.
People who used V2 of Twitterrific loved it. They were classic brand evangelists; people who would recommend an app to someone else simply because they really liked it.
With its cack-handed upgrade and attempts to monetise the new version, Twitterrific has gone from a social media success story to a villain almost overnight. Those evangelists have lost their faith, and they’ll be more than happy to tell you about it.
You’re a complete fucking waste of my time Paypal
So let me get this straight. To access that money – my own money – that’s hanging around collecting dust in this Paypal account, I have to:
• Print off the form, input all my bank details
• Find out the amounts of cash Paypal have deposited in my account
• Photocopy my driving licence
• Locate a fax machine – a method of communication virtually no-one uses any more
• Fax all highly sensitive information drivel to a fax number in the US
How am I supposed to know where all this sensitive information is going? Why can’t I use this bank account in the first place? Where can I find a fax machine? What if I don’t have a printer? What if I don’t do internet banking?
To do this I may conceivably go to a friend’s house to use their printer; locate a shop with a photocopier; go to my bank to discover these two amounts; and locate a friendly office worker whose fax machine I can use. This is an internet business.
All this. Just to access my own cash.
I’m not sure at the moment whether I think this is more stupid than NatWest’s determination that every single customer of theirs have their own portable car reader in order to move their own money around or not.
Technology is supposed to make our lives easier, not ten times harder.
Facebook to internet: You will become like us
I’ve spent quite a few months pondering the value of social media for businesses recently, in work and outside of it.
In work I’ve been looking into whether social media, when paired with strong content and multimedia, can work for automotive businesses. Yes and no is the predictable answer I came to.
And, outside, I’ve been ruminating on how social media can help launch SevenStreets, a website about Liverpool I co-edit and is a couple of months old.
Facebook and Twitter are incredibly useful in the latter case, and I expect I can find similar uses for LinkenIn and Foursquare. Flickr and Youtube haven’t really developed beyond simple platforms, so I don’t really take them into account.
I think Twitter is useful for any company of any size. It’s the new email, the new phone number, the new business card. It can be wielded professionally in a way that Facebook cannot, and LinkedIn does not, because not enough people use it.
So I like Twitter for business. And at first I dismissed Facebook for business. But I was wrong.
Facebook will be the ultimate website for business in a few years, in my humble one. I have no stats to call on to back this up. No charts, no graphs, no expert opinions. It’s just obvious to me, as someone who uses the internet every day, that this is the case.
Why? Because Facebook is taking over the internet, conquering everything in its path. I thought of a few naff metaphors for Facebook’s assault on the web. Something about evolution, something about conquest, or maybe some kind of medical simile. I even thought about calling this piece ‘Why Facebook are the Daleks of the internet,’ but I was nearly sick in my mouth.
Facebook and Daleks: Bad comparison
Pick your own. Either way, Facebook is muscling in on every other piece of web real estate you can think of. Flickr? Photos. Digg or Reddit? That Facebook Share button, rolling out across the web. Blogging? Notes. Twitter? Status updates. Youtube? Facebook video. Email? Facebook Messages.
Facebook apps can cover just about anything, including games – one of the biggest uses of the internet globally. Apps also make Facebook a big favourite of PR companies and virals.
Facebook is revamping Pages for business. So that’s business listings and personal websites ticked as well.
Facebook users can follow all their favourite topics and organisations within the site. Why use an RSS reader when you can follow every conceivable topic on the web through Facebook pages, including pages for your favourite media?
I’ve noticed a few pages ranking organically that seem to be for Wiki-like entries on generic topics. The Facebook Encyclopedia. No need for Wikipedia.
Why join a specialist forum, or several fora with all their fiddly login details when you can join a community on Facebook?
Why visit any external sites when you can access it all through Facebook?
Facebook is advancing on all fronts. It’s a frightening, stupefying land grab of the internet in just about every conceivable way, and it’s all prefacing the very reason I was wrong to write off Facebook for business.
Why use different accounts and websites to upload pictures, check-in your location, update your status, read an article, interact online with friends, join a discussion, watch a video, research a topic or play a game when you can do it on Facebook?
Come to think of it, why buy something from a dozen different merchants when you can do it all on Facebook? Just stick your bank details in once and Facebook will do the rest. One-click buying. There’s Amazon and Ebay conquered too.
All that data Facebook is harvesting about its users will make it one of the biggest exporters of CRM data going. Maybe that data could be used to make a new kind of tailored, intelligent search. Sayonara, Google.
I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of using something like Facebook to make significant purchases, and the idea of buying big-ticket items like cars certainly doesn’t appeal. Which is why I initially dismissed Facebook for business.
But the next generation of computer users, the ones coming of age right now, won’t bat an eyelid about buying cars – or anything else – through Facebook, or similar social networks.
Right now, I don’t see a huge ROI – if any, in cash terms – for small-to-medium businesses on Facebook. For larger brands that people can identify, certainly. But is there any point in whacking your used-car inventory on Facebook at present?
Facebook and Cybermen: Better comparison?
Maybe if you do it properly. But it’s worth doing anyway, because pretty soon everyone will be on Facebook. Not to be on Facebook in a decade will be like not having a mobile phone or using the internet now.
Any buying a car, ordering your shopping, booking flight and setting up direct debits will be as prosaic as updating your status. That’s not just conquering the rest of the internet, its making the rest of the internet like Facebook.
Facebook is not a conqueror, it’s an assimilator; cannibalising the best bits of the web and adapting them for use within itself.
Absorbing other bits of the web in this way means Facebook ends up as the default choice for casual WILFers, who may otherwise visit half a dozen sites on their daily trawl around the internet.
And that list of services will only grow as Facebook expands, to the point where pretty much anything that can be done online can be done through Facebook.
Maybe Daleks are a bad comparison. I should have said The Borg.
NB. If you’re English, you may prefer Cybermen.
