The five types of Facebook updates
There are only five types of Facebook status update. That’s a fact. There’s no actual evidence to support that claim, but it’s a fact nonetheless.
I’ve whittled it down to five types by looking over my status updates over the last year; they all fit perfectly into one of the five types of update I’ve identified. Oh, there are sub-categories and the like, but it’s all pretty much there. Here they are:
And that’s it. Think about every banal Facebook update you’ve ever seen. I guarantee they lot into one of these divisions.
See if you can slot my updates into one of the five categories. And, if you want bonus Internets, see if you can identify all the pop-culture references.
The five types of Facebook updates
Now THAT’S sarcasm…
like a kestrel having sex above a television set
………………………………….fuckstick?
has not impressed the bloke from Go West
Went to Jodrell Bank. Closed. Jodrell Wank
Went to Jodrell Bank today; thought of Logopolis
I’m going to thrash you to with in a inch of your life.. and then.. i’m going to have you
Guess what. I lied. Guess what. So did I. But I lied… Twice. … I didn’t think of that
I’m not a frying pantheist!
Bowman is reading out the bass hunter sex charges to me while the India/SA one-sayer is on telly. A chilling vision of how things could have worked out very differently.
Fillet o fish for my wife
if you don’t love me now you will never love me again
5 nights in 5 consecutive beds. Not as exciting as it sounds
The King’s Speech contains ‘strong language in a speech therapy context’
Ross Noble is on stonking form on I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
Which way to the bloodbath?
Would you smash it?
Where in shitting crikey is my nose?
A starling is running through it’s list of impersonations at St Michaels Station like a sturnidae Rory Bremner
I don’t like to take naps. I don’t like to wake up more than once a day. ‘Cause when I first wake up I get that shock of who I am and everything. I… I really don’t like to do that more than once a day.
got telephones for eyes
Whatever happened to Tiggy Ovington?
it’s the weekend. i want fags, sleep, booze, dr who, pub with friends, good food, culture, telly, buzzards, walks and sex. Up yours, work
points with mute distaste
whenever i watch Kill Bill I have a very strong mental image of Quentin Tarantino frantically, furiously wanking his naff little cock off
a relentless and merciless morale-killer
like a battenberg owned by Jesus that can miraculously talk
No word can describe how tired I am. So why am I not in bed?
I once had a dream so I packed up and split for the city
Crushed like a new potato in Jamie Oliver’s kitchen
Just attempted to move my eyes down page of magazine by moving mouse on desk
No exclamation marks. Anywhere. Ever. Excise them from your mind. Do not use exclamation marks.
Just saw Don Horton on Bargain Hunt
it is what it is
i’m a tiger when my dander’s up
Adam and Joe back on 6Music? Excellent!
The new Greggs chicken tikka slice is quite, quite horrible
promises to aliens have no validity
Ever heard of the double bluff?
He who laughs last… laughs longest
And the Rodneys are queueing up… God forbid
Have you ever retired a human by mistake?
Has exchanged contracts
Tropical hot dog night
I reserve a window seat at table, facing in the quiet carriage. my seat is non facing, aisle, no table. And two guards talking loudly! In the quiet carriage!
Hey you sat behind me on the train. Close your fucking mouth when you’re eating crisps, you fucking animal.
Logopolis. Murray Gold is shit.
Do you want the genital cuff?
“Now!” …. something something something. That brilliant “Now!” speech…
all my facts about lighthouses are wrong
misses his fat, lazy, stupid cat
General Ham?
Darkness outside; inside, the radio’s prayer; Rockall. Malin. Dogger. Finisterre
Botham: We’re too straightforward with the bowling. Botham: Sometime we try too many things with the ball. The man’s an idiot.
I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist you stop using the word ‘banter’.
This is the day your life will surely change
and they catch him and they say he’s mental
Novel introduction to training provider assessor: “I do wear a hearing aid and I am slightly deaf, so as a result I may come across as rude, sharp and aggressive.” Might pinch that.
demure…. sleazy…
I dreamed of you last night, You had a different face, Or maybe just a haircut
A man told me to beware of 33
A funky ball of tits from outer space
Ever see a photo of yourself and think ‘who the fuck is that old man?
Editing: -Hi – do you want to do a quick Q+A? -Sure, here’s 3,000 words of formless text
Wonder if anyone’s ever opened a furniture shop called Ottoman Empire
Don’t know if I’ve ever been so disbelieving of a death as Lis Sladen’s. Sad.
Today I was filmed angrily throwing an ice cream off a cliff
I went to Rotherham and longed for Threads
will you just read grazia and bake your stupid cakes?
Over the years I’ve come to regard you as people I… met
Enjoying the high bombardment of positive ions in the atmosphere
Word of the day is… QILF
First game of the season for Sefton Park CC – I am the oldest man in the team. And feel like it
What about Basil…where’s my snake?
If I’d got on the electoral role in time I’d be voting yes to AV today. Have you seen the No camp? Baddies, by any stretch of the imagination
Drove a monster truck over a police car; fired a bonnet-mounted paintball gun. Two more bucket list items ticked off
On the receiving end of such a powerful headbonk from the cat that scalding tea jolted all over my chest
Are the red satin sheets a bridge too far?
What’s your name? Who’s your Daddy?
It seems as if I’m going to have to Goto war with Matressman.co.uk – clearly they do not understand my power of teh internets
like butter scraped over too much bread
My cat’s snoring
I’m officially the 25th most important influencer in the UK automotive industry on Twitter. #winninginsomesmallinconsequentialway
Odd day. Started with a hangover. Stood around in the rain for hours. Got hit in the chin by a cricket ball. Good episode of Doctor Who. Ended with hangover.
If airport departure lounge screens said ‘wait miserably and impotently’ instead of ‘eat drink shop and relax’ I’d respect them a lot more
Classic French fare last couple of days. Foie gras, lobster, strong coffee and fags
Arrived at CDG in plenty of time for flight home. Five hours, to be precise
Sickly sweet Dr Hook hot lovin’ schmaltz or disturbing sexual threat? You decide: And when your body’s had enough of me and I’m laying flat out on the floor When you think I’ve loved you all I can, I’m gonna love you a little bit more
Gave Beau some catnip. Tried rolling around in it myself. Nothing.
……………………………………………………. …fuckstick?
A three crackpipe problem…
Warm copies make everything better
I don’t give a fuck about Kenny Dalglish!
The revolution will be streamed
All the fucking internet warriors would be first against the wall in my revolution. Digital shithouses
Tonight I’ve been walking in the rain. Someone’s been talking and I’ve got the blame.
Eeeeee!
If you had to be a participant in horror film The Mist or horror film The Fog, which would you choose?
Is it just people in Hartlepool who call things ‘shan’?
What goes on in this town is none of your business
This episode of Panorama is like seeing Ted Maul berate Sainsbur McManus in Cowsick #fuckoffyoupatronisingtwats
Mentally hilarious
Just found the best ‘actual’ name ever among contacts: Quinton Drawbridge
distracted by kestrels
Looking over some old gaming ‘lance I did, with some suggestions for sone author-based spin-offs that never got off the ground: Salmanazars Rushdie’s Poolhall Madness; Ian McEwan’s Sim Asylum and Clare Rayner’s Colchester Rally Inferno. I don’t think I ever worked for Future again after this batch.
Think I’ll call myself Donald Twain
ants are unable to relax and enjoy life
An empty pride, a hopeless vanity, a dreadful arrogance, a stupefyingly futile conceit… but at least it’s something to hang on to
Driving through Cologne with an Argentinian and two French guys listening to It’s Raining Men on the radio
Choke on em
Now, eating monster munch in Huddersfield, three hours after watching Bargain Hunt in a Range Rover Sport on Saddleworth Moor and 14 hours after getting up to play cricket, I’m wondering what can possibly happen next. Really hope that’s not my epitaph
There are coal tits in my yard!
Bon chic bin genre
Overheard in Chichester station: ragamuffin behaving badly answers phone: “Yes I did. Yeeees! KFC Mum, alright?!”
A day of driving electric cars with Kryten. My job is nothing if not eclecti
Last week I bought two grand’s worth of Wimbledon tickets according to my bank account. That’s insult to injury.
I laughed at this quote from RHE Observer for about ten minutes. A biography of Bercow by the BBC journalist Bobby Friedman attributes his ambition and desire to get one over the likes of Cameron, in part, to the fact that he was bullied at school. He was teased for his small stature and fear of wasps.
And the fact that you don’t understand, Casts a shadow over this land.
Proffered a napkin by kindly but slightly disapproving lady, clearly recognising that a chap with mayonnaise in beard and eating a sandwich with failing structural integrity is clearly in trouble
Try taking a pot of Vaseline through security in a see-through plastic bag without feeling like a raging bum fetishist. Go on, just try.
Unaccountably covered in baby spiders
I am acing this edition of Catchphrase tonight
Lost cat. In Arthur Street. Black and white.
My cat came back after nine days. Pathetically grateful to the cat Gods.
You spell Robin with an I if it’s a boy. With an I. NOT a Y.
My favourite word has been, and always will be, ‘frot’.
Actual stage direction: “Dracula fucks wildly”
If my cat did status updates I reckon his latest would read ‘just got back from three hours of staring slightly to the left of other cats’
And now on BBC4, middle-aged men get to stare at Victoria Coren’s ginormous breasts while pretending to answer questions abouT hieroglyphics
What’s a cocoa shunter?
it’s some book week thing; this is genuinely the 5th sentence of the 56th page of the closest book to me: “Deciding that the strange apparition probably wasn’t dangerous, the guard took his hand off the blaster, and reached for his belt communicator – and collapsed in a heap as K9 promptly shot him down”
Just a little explosion!
Will’s Mum from Inbetweeners has done a nude scene? Oh good God.
A Succulent Violin, Vaccine Unlit Soul, Vulcanise Cunt Oil #lucienlaviscountanagrams
Surely a train journey is the only time you’d drink a pint of coffee?
Frigging hell an ex is on the Great British Bake Off. This is like the start to a Nick Hornby novel.
Had a flashback – again – to the time I asked for a ‘scotch on the rocks’
What The Fuck? “The assailant can be seen to place his head down by the victim. He starts eating away at his face and his head. The male has had his two ears bitten off, part of his nose bitten off and half of his lip bitten off.The attack reminded me of a lion wrenching the flesh off a gazelle.”
i know now why you cry… but it is something i can never do….
there’s still some of the same stuff we got yesterday
Friday morning immediately brings an exceptionally loud Irish girl. Fuck you Friday morning
Spin spin spin the wheel of justice; see how fast the bastard turns!
On this day in 2010 i wrote ‘I hate Sebastian Coe!’
Text from brother: Which would you rather be called: Alan Viscount, Phillip Bourbon or Robin Custard-Cream?
Seem to have injured my neck but don’t know how. Mindful of Larry David’s views on this.
1AM stop-cock traumas – make your own jokes up
If anyone ever mentions the ‘wow factor’ to me ever again I’ll punch them in the teeth
FUCK OFF TOUGH MUDDER
Will the internet ever get tired of feeding me idiots to destroy?
Walked up a mountain today. It rained. Then we walked back down a waterfall.
Thinking about it it’s hard to decide on a favourite moment from the stag. The Fabulous! morphsuit-clad Jamie Bowman emerging from the toilets at Stenhousemuir; the walk up a mountain that became a waterfall; seeing my mates ziplining down a swollen river; the merciless Platoon-like paintball massacre of the stag; the hydro-electric power station; or the violent midnight game of rugger where I flattened Jamie, thrashed the opposition and ended up giving my details to a WPC about half my age. And I didn’t even mention the Crab From Islamabad…
Larry. I like you. What’s not to like? Ah… You’re a Jew Excellent episode of Curb. I think I might offer myself out as a social assassin
Have seen an E Type and a Mark II Jag in last two days
Having gone to the countryside fir a few days’ holiday I now seem to be watching Embarrassing Bodies with my family
Loading up on carbs and getting an early night. Gotta be up at 2pm for the Grand Prix…
Ticketed for doing 80mph on a three-lane motorway? That’s gotta be pretty unlucky
I want a dulcitone
Today I bought a Three Colours: Red poster. When I got home the latest RSPB magazine was waiting for me. For a few minutes I was the most middle class person in the world
ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!
Set in the near future, where robot boxing is a top sport, a struggling promoter feels he’s found a champion in a discarded robot
So, I've now got a motorsport licence. How could this possibly go wrong? Impossible to look at Wolverhampton without dreaming of hydrogen bombs exploding above it A 25-year-old Vauxhall Astra GTE nearly ended me today. But a dab of oppo and I was away Actual headline: MC Hammer to take on Google with rival search engine Dreams last night: a game of rugby in a WH Smiths a mile long; winning a marathon and being presented with some batteries as a prize; being exorcised by a catholic priest using a pub quiz machine. Your cod-Freudian analysis please Received a letter from the vets. Beau is now officially a 'mature or senior' cat. Wonder how long before I get a similar letter from the doctors. i've started writing an article at 11.49 - I'm a fool to myself Lots of best man speech advice things say five minutes max. I'm in serious trouble And so to the wedding of Jamie and Becky. I expect they're both straightening their hair as I type "Yes it's true. This man has no dick." Got train to St michaels; walked home; walked back to St michaels to pick up car; drove home Lid on train: "I'm really tired; I'm still asleep. It must be the hour going back..." Personally my money was on it being the smack In fairness, Pete Tranter's sister is hot To Portugal to drive an electric car tomorrow - and how many people can say that? I've missed these dingy Heathrow hotel rooms. Long couple of days. Today comprised: 2 electric cars, a Nissan Cube, a flight, a train and a bus. Welcomed home by some fucking idiot dog walker who left a number of bundles of dog shit, like small pagan offerings, in my empty recycling crate New Bravissimo catalogue. The postal service's way of telling me the woman I bought my house off had massive norks. Shan as It's mischievous, not mischieveeous, dammit Today I piloted the TARDIS with Terrance Dicks I think the unions have chosen entirely the wrong grounds on which to base this fight, and played in Tory hands as a result, but given some of the disgraceful shit from the Tories today, I'm happy to aim an emphatic 'fuck you' in their general direction Taking Egg-Shaped Fred for tea Dear Facebook - I have zero interest in following CEOs of silicon valley digital agencies. Here are people I would follow: Tom Baker, JJ Burnel, Geoff Boycott, Mick Foley, Tony Benn, umm.... Paul Daniels you'reacockyou'reacockyou'reacock Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall is spitroasting nine birds on More 4. Before the watershed too. "One of your friends read the article 'I'm still a virgin as my boyfriend couldn't penetrate me' on the Guardian" Beautiful South's Perfect 10: a song about fat sex that I utterly despise and was once referred to by Simon Hoggart as 'the best pop song of the year'. The daft twat. Hello Facebook. Why the chuff would I wan to know that my friends are posting 'about Christmas'? The Toyota Land Cruiser was known as the Toyota BJ when it first went on sale in the UK "How about a detective who dangles a piece of string?" Shit. Twat. Fuck. ****. You made me do that Auto Correct. You hear me? YOU MADE ME Neil Morrissey dislikes nouvelle cuisine #bbc2 Stupid like a fox I'm givin' this whole thing as a promotional expense, that's why I invited clients instead of friends Ah, the arrangement of the First Nowell that's used on The Box of Delights on Radio 4. Beautiful Bedded, knobbed and bumsticked BBC4 doc on decay potentially fascinating, but seems to consist of a man constantly expressing surprise at old food going off Hilarious famed Hartlepool insult: You look like a new-born pig
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